My Ghost

twenty-five

ray's dream

I'm sitting on top of the courthouse, my feet dangling off of the edge, flirting with falling. A notepad sits in my lap and a pen in my hand. I guide the pen across the page, writing to Jason, the only person left to write to.

Suddenly, I drop the pen and paper, and I find myself standing a few feet back, running towards the edge. I try to stop myself, anything to stop moving forward, but there's no stopping my body. I launch myself into the air. I flail my arms, scream, attempt to reach for something- anything- that might save me. But it's too late, I know it is.

I hit the concrete with a thud, and as I stare at the night sky, I can't move a muscle. I stare at the stars, helpless; defenseless and broken.

"Ray?" I hear a voice. I crane my neck as far as it will turn and my eyes fall on Jason running towards me.

"Jason!" I exclaim, beyond relieved to see him.

"You jumped?" he asks, his head tilting back to look at the roof of the building.

"No! Well, yes, but I didn't want to- not really," I attempt to explain.

Jason turns back to me, anger in his eyes. "I finally come back, we can finally be together, and you kill yourself? You love me so much you hunt down the Joker but the second you have me again you leave me?"

"No, Jason that's not what this was about-"

"Then what was it? If you loved me enough you would have stayed!" he yells. "You were so angry that I wouldn't stay for you but you had no problem leaving me!"

"Jason please," I beg, tears in my eyes. "I love you so much, this was never your fault."

"No, it's not my fault. It's yours. You just wanted attention, you wanted somebody to love you when nobody does. You were right to kill yourself, you didn't deserve the people you had anyway."

I look at him, tears in my eyes. Why was he saying these things? Where was the Jason who fell asleep next to me tonight?

"I remember when you told me you killed yourself," I hear another voice, and I turn to my other side to see Cole beside me.

"Cole?"

"What a coward, people lay down their lives for this city, for you, and you just threw yours away like it was nothing. No wonder Roman liked you so much, you wouldn't hesitate to get shot and die all over again if you were given the chance."

"That's not true!" I argue.

"Isn't it though? You were ready to let Jason shoot you again the other night, you wanted him to. You don't care about anyone but yourself."

"I do not!"

"But you do, you always have," Bruce's voice chimes in, and I turn back to my right to find him and Dick standing there.

"Bruce, I've tried so hard to be what you wanted. I'm sorry that I can't be."

"You would have shot me the night we confronted the Joker if I didn't move, wouldn't you?" Dick asks.

"No of course I-"

"Wouldn't you?" Dick interrupts, his voice filled with emotion.

I look up at the sky away from them and shake my head. "Yeah, I probably would've."

"Exactly," Bruce adds. "You have no regard for human life, not since you started killing, not even your own life apparently."

"I warned him before I shot, I wasn't aiming to kill him!"

"But you would have!" Bruce yells. "You don't care who has to die, as long as they're out of your way!"

"Is it true Ray?"

I turn back to my left to find Tim standing there, staff in hand. "Would you have killed me?"

"No, no Tim not at all," I answer, my voice softer. He's just a kid.

"You just left me there on the cave floor, what if I was seriously hurt?"

"You weren't, I didn't hit you hard enough."

"You just didn't care enough to check, or go get Alfred. You just left me there."

"That's not true, I-"

"You hate me just like Jason hates me. You couldn't care less what happens to me."

"Tim, no, please-"

"You never stopped working with Batman, did you?" my father says from the other side of me, and I pull my gaze from Tim to look at him. "You continued to do it and continued to lie to me, and for what? I could've helped you, supported you."

"Dad I-"

"You didn't even think about how dying would effect me," he cuts me off. "You didn't care that you were leaving me here, just like your mother. That you were destroying my world with one fall. I wasn't ready to bury my child but you gave me no choice."

"Dad, I'm so sorry," I apologize, my voice breaking.

"You are a murderer," he states firmly.

"What? Dad I-"

"You are a murderer," I hear Jason's voice, followed by Bruce's and Dick's and Tim's. It echoes around me as I lay back on the concrete.

I jolt awake, sweat pouring down my face. My breathing is heavy and my head pounding. I pull my knees up to my chest as I attempt to calm myself. Scarecrow's gas has yet to fully leave my system, shaking me awake on nights like these.

"Ray?" I hear Jason's sleep filled voice.

I don't answer, I'm too focused on the words bouncing around my head.

You are a murderer.

"Ray, you're okay," I hear Jason say, his body shifting on the bed next to me. I feel him wrap his arms around my waist and rest his head on my shoulder. "You're okay, it wasn't real. I'm right here."

"It felt so real," I whisper to him, unmoving. "All of it."

"Is it from Crane's toxin?" Jason asks, and I nod. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I reply much too quickly. "No, I just want to go back to sleep."

"Okay," Jay replies, his voice slightly suspicious.

I release my arms from around my legs and slowly lay back down. Jason lays next to me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close to him.

As I feel his breath on the back of my neck begin to slow, I know he's asleep again. My mind wanders to the knife under the bed and I wonder where Jason had set his.

You are a murderer.