My Ghost

nineteen

I rest my head on Jason's chest, listening to his heartbeat. My suit lays on the floor of the guest room, along with his helmet. He holds me close, resting his face in my hair. His shirt pools around me and for once I feel entirely relaxed.

I run my fingers up and down his torso, my eyes fixated on a large bruise beside his ribs, one of the places I had kicked him during our fight. How could I have been so violent towards him?

"Jay?" I ask quietly, tilting my head up to look at him.

"Yeah?" he mutters, sleep laced in his voice.

"Do you trust me?"

"With everything," he answers without missing a beat, pulling me closer to him.

"With your life?"

A pause, the slightest little pause, perhaps only a millisecond, yet I can sense it. "Of course."

I don't say anything, I just lay there, trying to catch my breath. As I feel his chest moving rhythmically, I know Jay has fallen asleep. I slowly untangle myself as to not wake him and quietly exit the room.

I close the door silently behind me and make my way down the dark hall of Wayne Manor. I descend the main staircase and down into the foyer before finding my way to the kitchen that was hardly ever used by anyone beside Alfred. As I open the door it creaks slightly, and I peer into the kitchen, dimly lit by the time displayed on both the stove and microwave.

My eyes scan the large room, spotting a large rack of knives resting on the counter furthest from me. I walk over, sliding one out of its holder and inspecting the blade. My fingertips trace the edges lightly and I examine my appearance in the metal. I looked slightly better, but not by much. The bags under my eyes are heavy, but my face has some more color to it than before.

"What, are you going to stab someone with that?" Tim asks, and I jump, finding him standing in the doorway.

"Shouldn't you be out with Bruce?"

"He wanted to go alone tonight, thought I might get some sleep until I heard you up and about."

I nod, turning and sliding the knife back into its place. "To answer your question, no. I wasn't going to stab anyone."

"Then why pick it up in the first place?"

I purse my lips and chuckle softly to myself. I glance to my right, checking for a doorway or exit point of sorts, just in case.

"I was just looking," I state, turning back to face him. "Am I allowed to do that?"

"Why are you acting so confrontational?" Tim questions, stepping out of the doorway.

"Why are you acting like you can't trust me?" I snap back. I take a deep breath, shaking my head and closing my eyes, bringing my fingers up to pinch the brink of my nose. "I'm sorry, Tim."

"What's going on with you, Ray?"

"Why is everyone so concerned? I'm fine."

"Apparently you're not."

"Yeah, well why don't you just let it be then, huh? You aren't Jason, you don't understand me and how I act," I reply.

"I'm not trying to say I do. All I'm trying to say is something is wrong and you're refusing to talk to us."

"Tim, listen," I begin, exasperated. "You don't know me, okay? So stop pretending like you do. I just..." I trail off.

"You just what?"

"I can't talk about what happened that night. At all. I can't process everything that's happened, I hardly know what's going on anymore. People keep saying I'm going to develop these- these powers, but I'm not ready for that. What if everyone's right? What if I'm just some sort of ticking bomb waiting to explode and take everyone down with me?" I spill, my breathing heavy and my eyes filling with tears. Everything is blurry, everything is gone.

"Ray, you're going to be alright. We're here to watch over you and make sure that that doesn't happen. Come on, let's go back to bed," he suggests.

"Go ahead," I tell, sinking to sit on the kitchen floor. "I can't sleep anymore, I'm just going to stay down here."

Tim hesitates, and for a few moments we both simply stare at nothing.

"Were you going to stab yourself with it?" Tim asks, his voice quiet and his words carefully calculated.

I take a deep, shaky breath and lower my face into my hands. "I don't know," I mutter.

Tim hesitates in the door, but I hear him leave without another word. I lean back, resting my head against the cupboard behind me. Finally, some peace and quiet.