Out of My Shell

Chapter 1: Pizza Grounded

Intro:
All I ever wanted was the freaken can opener. YES! All of this started because I wanted to open a stupid can of pork and beans! If Donnie hadn't broken it and tried to give it super kraang powers I would've never gone there!
...So this is all his fault!

- Chapter 1: Pizza Grounded
Donatello bit his tongue in concentration as he carefully lined the inner cogs of the can-opener to the lip of the can. With a hard clench of his fist, he felt the rewarding pop of the metal give beneath the pressure and Donnie smiled widely, moving eye level to watch the can opener's mastery at work. "These are just so awesome!" he exclaimed. He had to applaud humans. Whoever thought up the idea to use small aluminum canisters for food preservation was simply a genius. And the fact that it came with its own tool just made it that much cooler. It was just so clever, not to mention resourceful. Ever since April had introduced him to the concept a few nights ago, Donnie had been trying to opt out their regular pizza diet with whatever random miracle lied behind the wonder of the can.
Today, it was mushrooms.
Leonardo glanced back from his spot on the couch to see what had Donnie so worked up about. "Mushrooms?" He quirked a non-existent brow. "How are those awesome?"
"Because," Donnie explained, "they are being opened from a can with a can opener!"
"...Right." Of course. What had he been thinking? The blue-clad brother glanced back, wondering what it must be like to be able to get excited over something like that. His thoughts were interrupted by the horrible squeaking sound of wheels, coming from across the lair.
"A little help here?!" Mikey's voice called above the noise, pulling behind him a red wagon piled high with boxes upon boxes of aluminum cans.
"What? Mikey..." Leo groaned as he got up. "What are these?"
"Three words, dude: canned ham." Donatello couldn't help correcting him.
"Those are two words... and where did you get all of these?"
"Dude, you wouldn't believe it! Someone was just throwing them out at the store down the street for no reason! I believe he called it spur-puss or somethin'..."
"Surplus..."
"Heh, yeah... that word," Michelangelo admitted sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. Fancy words were never his strong point.
"Huh. Cool," Donnie nodded in approval.
"Pshh, yeah! We'll never have ham-less pizza again! We'll never have ham-less anything again... because WE won't be ham-less," he announced, feeling quite proud of his findings.
"Why won't we be ham-less?" Raphael staggered out into the main room, scrubbing his face with a towel, clearly just getting out of the shower. His mask wasn't even on yet, scrunched and dangling in his left hand. He stopped short, nearly walking head on into the giant wagon tower of ham in the center of the living room. "The heck's all this?" he demanded, "pork n' beans?"
Michelangelo rolled his eyes at his brother's foolishness. "Uhh no. Ham!"
Raphael brought the red fabric to his eyes and tied it off, squinting at the label in scrutiny. "They can ham?" he asked in disbelief.
"I guess so," Leo shrugged.
Donnie grinned, cheerily displaying his gap-toothed smile. "Well I think it's perfect!"
"Of course you would," Raph retorted. Michelangelo looked between all three of his older brothers, ready with the million dollar question:
"Soooo... WHO WANTS SOME HAM?!" He asked it as though he were hyping up a crowd. He secretly loved to cook. He was proud that he could best all of his brothers in this particular skill, simple as it was.
"Yeah, sure... I guess..." The eldest brother shrugged unenthusiastically, Donatello having already dashed to the kitchen.
"I'll open up a few cans!"
"Yeah, you do that." Raph rolled his eyes. Leonardo stretched his arms over the table with a sigh.
"I don't know guys, I could really go for some pizza though..."
"Nonsense," Donnie criticized, "we should all be exploring all the different food groups that topside has to offer and start improving our diets." Raphael looked at him quizzically.
"...With ham?"
"Yes," he answered, pulling out the can opener again with a smile. "Just a moment and I'll have them open in a jiffy." Again he reconnected the same parts just the way he had before, broke the seal, and turned his wrist.
Klunk!
"Klunk?!" Donnie stared as the can opener fell apart in several pieces on the counter. "Uh-oh."
"That better be a good uh-oh," Raph threatened.
Mikey shook his head knowingly. "It's never a good uh-oh."
Donnie studied the wrecked can opener, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. "Um..." he started shyly, "I... think I broke it."
"Nice," Raph shot.
"Well!" Leonardo spun in his chair, "I guess we'll just have to order pizza..." he said submissively, as though that hadn't been his first choice of cuisine in the first place. He rose to his feet and went to locate Master Splinter in his room, leaving Donnie to the mess.
Leo stared at the delicate paper door and slid it back, stepping carefully inside. Master Splinter sat meditating breathlessly still beneath his tree, as he always did about this time. Leonardo approached cautiously, both hoping and not hoping that his father would detect him and most of all that he was not of any disturbance. But, step after step there was still no acknowledgement and Leo deduced that he must be in a deep trance, which was even worse to interrupt. He'd have to be careful.
"...Sensei?"
"Let me guess, you want money for pizza," the wise rat turned to him knowingly, "...And Donatello broke the can-opener."
His blue eyes grew wide. "How did you know that?!"
Master Splinter rose to his feet with the assistance of his cane. "How many times do you suppose you've asked me for pizza money this week?" he inquired.
Leonardo thought about it a moment. "Uhh... a few..." he admitted sheepishly.
"Twelve times!" His voice held a certain bite of irritation that made Leo start to regret his intrusion.
"Sensei, you said so yourself, Donnie broke the can-opener, what else are we supposed to do?"
"Try being resourceful," he authoritatively suggested, heading towards the door and Leo scrambled after him.
"But... we were! And then Donnie broke the can opener!"
"There is always more than one way to achieve a goal," he replied sagely and then addressed his other sons.
"NO PIZZA!"
"What?!" A predictable uproar immediately ensued.
"How are we supposed to eat?!" Mikey asked in horror. Master Splinter's eyes panned over to his eldest son, waiting for him to explain.
"...We have to be resourceful," he said reluctantly.
"Ugh..." Mikey and Raph groused. "Not one of those." Master Splinter drove his staff into the ground, snapping them all to attention.
"Observe." The boys watched as their master grabbed one of the cans; his long fingers curled into a menacing curve and swiftly stabbed his claws through the lid of the can. In a single slow rotation, Master Splinter had pulled the top off completely. He flicked it, the centripetal force sending it spinning like a throwing star into the refrigerator, and only narrowly missing Leonardo's head. He delicately reached in and pulled out a small piece of ham, tasting it thoughtfully.
"Hm... not bad." For a moment, the teen turtles stayed quiet in awe at the sheer power of their master. Michelangelo was the first to speak.
"Uh...we don't have super sharp razor claw nails of death!" he reminded him.
"Well then you better get creative." And with that, the wise rat turned to take his leave. Leo paused to think, pulling his katana from their sheaths.
"Everyone duck," he ordered, eyeing the can. His three brothers obediently crouched low. With one quick slash, Leo took the entire top off of the can and helped himself to its contents. Michelangelo studied his own nun-chucks and, taking Leo's lead, pushed the blade out to use it as a primitive can-opener. Raphael scowled at his own can before stabbing his especially violently with his sai.
'What am I supposed to do? Stab holes in it? This is stupid!' He thrust the sharp point into it, piercing it again and again, until it looked less like a can and more like it had gone to war and lost. His short fuse temper burned out and he turned on Donnie.
"This is all your fault! You HAD to break the can opener!"
"I didn't mean to!" he looked sadly at all the components. "O-On the bright side I think I could easily use the kraang tech to make improvements on it so it'll never break again... I could have it done by tonight!"
"You better! Cuz I can't eat like this!" he shouted, pointing his sai-skewered can at him menacingly when a thought crossed his mind. "Hey, since you started this, how 'bout you open it?" He flung the sai, sending the can flying off the end and hurling at Donnie, crashing into the wall above him. It exploded upon impact, raining a huge mess of sharp metal and congealed ham all over Donatello, who crumpled to the floor in a heap.
Leonardo quickly jumped over the counter and rushed to his brother. "Donnie, are you okay?" he turned to Raph. "What is wrong with you?!"
"I..." he started, still trying to connect all that had happened. "Oh come on! You're alright, aren't ya Donnie?"
Leonardo helped him up as Donnie nursed a searing pain in his head. He looked like he was bleeding. Raph took a worried, tentative step closer. Donnie's eyes snapped harshly to Raph's.
"Get away from me," he threatened. His older brother froze, watching as Leo wrapped his arm around his shoulder and led him back to his lab. Raph caught Leo's harsh, disapproving gaze as he walked by. Even Mikey gave him that look... the one he gave him when he really messed up. And then he, too, left to go after the others, leaving Raph alone.
...Why was he such a screw up?