Just Some Short Stories

Confessions of a broken girl (non-fiction)

I sit alone in bed, per usual. I listen to the music that quietly plays in the background, it is the only way I get to sleep now. I listen to the lyrics, it is always about relationships, romantic ones. One song passes then two, next thing I know it is song number six and I am barely even tired. That is not a good thing.

When I am barely tired I think. Thinking for me is such a dangerous thing. First I think about my best friend, oh how I miss her so much. I haven't seen her in months, and probably won't for a long time. Then I think about one of my friends, my ex, why did I become friends with him. I was so stupid to do that, he is just a painful reminder.

Thinking about my ex and relationships gets me thinking to other things. Like I never realized how much I really need to be in a relationship like that. I long for human touch, crave it even. I need to be hugged and kissed by a loved one, so badly.

I want someone who will have stupid arguments over which ice cream flavor is the best. I want someone who will be there when I need them. Who isn't scared to be themselves around me. I want to have epic concerts while we make pancakes. I want their bad days and their amazing ones. I want the hugs and the cute texts. I want to wake up with the off chance that he ended up spending the night, visa versa. I want every heated argument or every breakdown. I want all of that so badly. I don't do well by myself. Is it too much to ask for? To ask for someone who will make me happy?

There is a small whisper in the back of my head.

Yes.

I get confused, and the small voice becomes a unbearable thunder.

Yes, it is too much to ask for. Well for a person like you anyway. Who wants you, a broken mess. No one wants to deal with you and your antics. You cause so many problems that you just become a burden to others. Who in their right mind would want to deal with a depressed, broken person like you. You barely know how to love yourself, how can you love someone else.

I try to make an argument, but the thundering voice comes back.

Honestly what would they think about you. They would probably be with you out of pity. No one would willingly waste their time with you darling, it is just facts. How do you think they would react if they found out you used to have scars huh? Remember what your precious Isaiah did? He left, you aren't stable, he basically told you that and yet you wish to be in another relationship? You are actually as stupid as I thought you were, remember what happened when he found out about your scars.

I fight back. But my scars are gone.

The thunder becomes a hiss.

So what? That doesn't change the fact you had them. Remember he was so worried about you he didn't sleep, do you really want to do that to another person? If they find out you ever had scars they would probably realize how much work needs to be done with you and just leave. No one wants a broken person Sam, get that through your thick skull. 

You are honestly so selfish you know. You want to be happy, what about the other person in the relationship huh?

I timidly tell my thoughts that I want them to be happy too. 

The hissing turns into a soft hum. 

If you want them to be happy, then they shouldn't be with you. You can't love properly, you don't know how sweetie, but that is okay. Some people are just meant to be lonely. Some people don't deserve love darling, and you just happen to be one of them. 

I try to shut it out. I try so hard, but there is a truth in what my thoughts yell at me.

Who would want a broken person. One who can't love like others can. They deserve someone better, one who can make them happy. 

A lone tear escapes my eyes. The music in the background making my heart ache.

Maybe I am better off by myself. At least then I can't hurt anyone, but myself.

And that should be good enough for me.

Broken little me.