The babysitter

Exist

MICHAEL
My stomach clenches and aches for more reasons than one with the sickening feeling of not knowing when I'll see her again and also because food has been the last thing on my mind since collapsing in a slump upon the bed , slowly feeling myself deteriorating and it can only get worse the longer she's away from me, it's like she's my medicine. My shoes still remain upon my feet as do my clothes as I lay upon my bed that feels empty as the night approaches ,taking the sun away down over the horizon. It's been hours and I've heard nothing , not a single phone call or a hint of her wellbeing , the need to know driving me insane for I'm unable to close my eyes and shut down  needing her beside me to do so. Is her mother right? Am I bad for Eva ? Is she better off without me? Toxic thoughts flood my sanity , feeling selfish as I care too much about how far we've come together just to let her go , feeling as if I've failed love by being apart. Maybe she's better off without me ... I need to let her go.

EVA
the rain slowly stops as does the bus ,my heart doing the same as I grab my bags and hurriedly scuttle off of it and hit the sidewalk where only a short country road follows ahead , the tall lampposts familiar as is the white bench beneath an evergreen tree that stands tall towards his street. My fingers grip tightly at my bags while others hoist over my shoulders , the moon high in the sky although brighter than ever in its spectacular appearance ,gloomy rain clouds floating by it and shadowing its light. My legs carry me to my desired destination,my fingertips brushing over the metal gate that's cold at the touch and dripping with the last surviving rain-droplets. There's no signs of any lights on in the house making me worry although his car remains parked in the driveway rather messily as if he rushed. "Please be home ,please be okay",I whisper to myself as I drop my bags and knock loudly ,as if my life depends on it , as if I'm being watched and need to get into the safety of his arms. I become frustrated as I wait for minutes in utter silence before knocking again ,worry heavy on my mind as he fails to swing open the door the way I wish he would ,wanting to be embraced and held and told that everything will be okay.... please Michael.

MICHAEL
My tired hazy eyes pry themselves open as a loud banging noise is heard throughout the house shocking my body into awakening , shaking my head of messy untamed curls and trying to drift back off as I ignore it , not caring for anything or anyone at this moment in time. I rub at my face and roll over , the banging getting louder and faster as if I'm angering the sound or the source of the sound by not reacting to it. "Michael!",an all too familiar voice calls loudly with such sadness and worry in its tone as if in fear , my body clenching and shooting up from the bed the fastest I've ever moved ,my eyes tearing themselves open as I sense her and feel her the closer I run toward the door. The house suddenly seems so much bigger the quicker I want to get out of it. I frown and become pained suddenly as I wrap my fingers Tightly around the handle for I'm not sure how to deal with  this , tears welling up as I flip between two states of minds , wanting her and needing her in my life so desperately , my heart hurting as I think of letting her go and making it easier for the both of us now ... the pain unbearable for it will never be easy.I grip and turn the handle slowly , opening the door to see her angelic form , bags pooling around her feet as she opens her arms and runs into me , almost knocking me to the ground with the force of her body pressing to mine with such passion and need as if we've been apart for weeks. "I'm so sorry Michael , god I'm sorry",she sobs hysterically into my neck as she grips me tight ,her fingers gripping at my shirt with such force as if I'm about to disappear if she lets go. the lump in my throat not allowing me to speak for I've never been so confused and struck with such painful thoughts, my decision made up. My cheeks dampen with tears of my own as I make space to drift apart from her , my fingers clasping with hers as if fitting a jigsaw puzzle. "Eva ...",I sigh before breaking down into the mess that I am,my body sinking down as I look into her enchanting ,captivating eyes that are enough to make this impossible for me to end what we have. My head pressed to her stomach as I fall to my knees , my hands clinging to her clothes and bringing her down with me as she cradles my head in her soft warming hands  , shaking her head with confused eyes for what she sees before her is a broken man but I'd rather be a dead one that live without her and I'm finally able to admit it to myself...

EVA
His tears dampen my shaking hands as I hold his precious face , my brows furrowed in worry at his sudden breakdown for I thought he would react much differently to my arrival. "Michael baby ... what is it?",I whisper with a deep sadness for I fear the worst will slip from his quivering pink lips ,Drying my own tears that slipped from my eyes at the sight of him when I fell into his arms ,he looks into my glossy eyes that wash over with pain , "I can't do this ... I can't",he sobs as he stands from where we knelt and walks away with sadness in each step he takes with his back to me ,his fists clenched by his Side. "Michael!",I shout in pain at the sight of him leaving me , "you agree with her don't you!?",I shout loudly as I still remain upon my knees , my eyes raw with the tears that spill from them as he stops in his tracks and turns to face me from the hall that he walked down away from me. "I can't believe you're doing this to me ... after everything we've been through... everything we've said and done , I love you Michael! I fucking love you!",I shout with a croak in my voice as my throat closes up as the lump forms there. "And you don't think I love you!",he shouts back as he makes his way back into the hall where I remain knelt down as if praying to god that he won't leave me ... which is exactly what I'm doing in my mind. "I'm no good for you Eva and you know it too ... I'm breaking your family for god sake ...",he exclaims with such hurt as if he can't admit it to himself for it simply isn't true. "How the hell can you say that?! How do you know what's good for me Michael?", my voice breaks as I grow tired of going through this pain that never seems to end in my life. I stand as he comes closer to me but not close enough for me to touch him and god that's what hurts the most ,his distance mentally and physically. "I know that I mess everything up ,I'm weak and I never should have fallen for you ... ",he says so harshly as if I'm just going to leave and make this easier although I see the pain and regret in his eyes immediately after he says it , "what ...",I croak as I move away from him and hold a hand to my mouth at his heart wrenching words , his hand reaching out as he stutters , "I didn't mean that Eva ... I don't know why I said that ..." ,he sobs silently while trying to grab my hand , "don't touch me",I whisper with such hurt as tears drip down my horrified face , pushing his hand away. "I love you, god knows I love you Eva ,I'm just so confused and scared I don't know what's going through my mind ...please baby ,please understand me", he cries with his hands in his hair as he shakes his head that breaks within at such hurtful thoughts I'm sure for I know he doesn't mean what he's saying ,my mother's brainwashing working upon his innocent mind trying to tear us apart. "I ... I don't understand this ,what are you thinking Michael?",I whisper brokenly as I hug my arms to my body for I feel so unwanted and lonely. "I'm thinking about how I want to run away .... with you",he whimpers as he looks to the floor as if he's ashamed or almost scared to admit how he feels. I shake my head and sigh unable to speak for words fail me with the confusion that trickles through my empty mind. "We can't keep running away from what we have Michael , this is real! Every relationship comes with the battles and obstacles we just have to figure a way around them without running",I cry for him to desperately understand me for he seems to worsen with sadness the more he thinks about leaving me ,something I know he can't do. "I know it's real because it hurts ... why does love hurt so much?",he asks brokenly as he looks at me with those glazed over eyes that break my heart to look within , I lunge forward to embrace his broken body tightly against mine , his head nestled into my neck as the tears dampen my skin. "That's just love... it's just how it is",I whisper into his glossy silken curls,his hands gripping my clothes tightly the more he sobs against me. It's now that I realise just how broken he really is as a person , only noticing it the more he falls for me as if he's too scared to do so just Incase he loses me , as if he'd rather not feel anything at all than feel like this...
but I refuse to let him lose me , for if we lose each other we lose everything , our existences pointless if it isn't existing together.