Haven, Withstanding -The Traveler Series ✔

Chapter 19 - Haven

Staring at my reflection in the mirror.

It was me.

Yet it wasnt exactly me.

She looked like me but she didnt feel like me. I suppose how people feel when they just discover their long lost twin.

I blinked. She blinked.

I touched my face. She touched hers.

I touched the mirror. She touched the mirror.

I tilted my head to the side. She tilted her head to the side.

Staring at her, I couldnt help but wonder if this was really me. Obviously my imagination had gotten away from me... was it something I ate before bed? No. I didnt eat anything before bed. I hadnt eaten anything today.

"Ethan," she whispered.

I gasped.

I did not say that.

I know I did not say that.

I brought my hand to my mouth in surprise and horror.

She, however, did not.

"Ethan!" She demanded, louder.

Her expression twisted and contorted into an ugly, gray faced harpee. Her eyes red. Her nose long and pointy. Strands of jet black hair, flew violently around her head. Her pointed teeth smirking at me...

"ETHAN!" She roared.

Gasping for air, I flew up from the bed. My heart was racing. Sweating. I was sweating. "What the fuck!" I cried. Trying to calm my breathing, my eyes fell on Ethan's bear, tossed in a crumpled heap on my floor.

Kicking the covers off, I ran to it and snatched it off the floor. Feeling childish and vulnerable I lept back into bed quickly as if the Haven Harpee was within centimeters of grabbing my feet. I pulled the covers over my head, clutching the bear tightly.

I thought of Ethan.

How I had told him I didnt want to see him again. How I told him not to contact me. How I slid my back down the door I slammed in his face, feeling every vibration of his panicked fist against it from the other side. How I made myself endure his heart wrenching cries for me, that begged me to rethink my decision.

But I couldnt. I was quickly losing Nash--replacing him with Ethan. I wouldnt let that happen. And if pushing Ethan out of my life was all that would stop it, then that's what I would do.

What had it been? A month? A month and a half since I found out Nash was dead and gone? Shouldn't the pain still be fresh? Shouldn't I have a hard time moving on? And yet, my feelings for Ethan were slowly over seceding Nash. My fiance's body wasnt even cold yet and I was moving onto another man.

Did that make me a whore?

"I love you, Haven. I know you feel the same."

But did I?

I cursed Ethan for doing this to me. For making me feel things I had swore to myself that I never would again. I was happy to grow old as a Spinster. Why did Ethan think it could be any other way? Why wouldn't he just let me?

"I love you, Haven."

He didnt know what he was saying. He didnt know what he was feeling. He couldnt love me. What was there to really love? What was left?

He didnt know me. Nash knew me. He accepted me, faults and all. He knew me so well that there was never any bullshitting him. He saw through me. Always. It used to make me mad. How Nash always seemed to be keen to my mood, my thoughts... sometimes before I was. Like a chess match, he anticipated my moves far in advance. It was frustrating at the time. Now though, I miss it.

I miss how he would annoy me. Always giving me a hard time and playing off my words for his own amusement. How he never did the dishes. How he always dropped his socks in the living room, causing me to find 20 pairs under the couch once a month. How he sat his empty water bottles on the counter even though the trash can was literally five feet away. How he had to try on the same three outfits multiple times in a row before he could decide on which one to buy. Shopping with him always took hours. God, he was so frustrating.

And I missed it.

But with Ethan, everything seemed to flow easily. It was like breathing. Natural and simple. Why was it so simple? I didnt understand.

And it had made me angry with him.

In all honesty, he wasnt doing anything wrong. He was just being himself and the rest kind of fell into place. So my anger was misdirected, I knew that. But I couldnt stop it.

Jesus, I am so fucked up.

_______________________________

I sat, wrapped in his arms. It was warm. It was safe. I felt calm. Peaceful. I looked up to see his face smiling back at me.

Nash.

No, Ethan.

Nash.

Ethan.

Nash. Ethan. Nash. Ethan. Like a strobe light, their faces flashing back and forth, each morphing into the other. Over and over and over. It didnt stop.

It wouldnt stop.

"Chose." They both said.

_______________________________

Ethan stood before me. On the trail. The far right path I had chosen nights before. But I was no longer holding his hand.

"Did you change your mind?" He asked.

"No," I replied.

"Then why did we stop?"

I didnt know. Why did we stop? It was a good question. But it was one I didnt have answer for.

"I'm scared," I finally said.

He moved in closer now. Inches away from me. His hand touching my face, his thumb right below my lip. His eyes left mine, glancing at my lips, then back up to my eyes once more.

"Tell me what to do, " he whispered, his mouth directly over mine. I could feel his breath on my lips, so close, yet still so far away.

I couldnt take it anymore.

I kissed him. And he reciprocated.

Soft and slow at first. My stomach fluttered with butterflies. My heart pounded. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself as close to him as I possibly could.

Our kissing turned feverish. Passionate and hungry.

I needed him.

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"Haven?" Nash asked me.

"Hm?" I smiled at him. God, I missed him so much.

"You know it's okay, Hay."

"What's that?" I asked, slightly confused. Where was he going with this?

"Let me go," he whispered.

Awake now, permanently. Forever. I never wanted to fall asleep ever again. I didnt care how much caffeine it took, I was done with restless nights.

I was done with dreams.