Labour For Love

Thinking Back

Exhausted.

That's the only word that can describe how I felt right now. After a hard day of teaching, I could not wait to get home. I loved my job and my kids but they can be a handful at times.

I stocked the children's work that I gave them to do in the back seat of my grey Honda Civics and got in the car. I rolled the windows up to block out the early May sun and turned on the air conditioning. Ugh! Summer was fast approaching and I hate the heat.

I soon pulled up at the gates of my house. Well, it was not really my house. It is my parents' house. My mother and I lived here. My father and big brother used to live here too but my father died when I was in high school and my brother is in Florida. The house was nothing big but I couldn't be happier because I was comfortable. I shrugged my thoughts away and exit the car to open the gate. After unlocking the gate, I re-entered the car and parked in the car porch.

As soon as I stepped from the car, my cat starts whining and circling my leg, almost making me stumble.

"Come on Mimi. Move it!" I commanded shoving her aside with my foot. However, she was relentless and kept following me around, while I took out the papers and lesson plans from the back seat of my car. "What is it, girl? You hungry?" I asked slamming the car door shut with my foot.

It seems like mummy isn't home. I put the papers in the living room and went to the kitchen for her cat food. Oh my God! This cat can eat. I don't mind though, I really love cats. I sighed. Sometimes I would think about how my life would have been like if my daughter was here. She would be nine years old now. I wonder how she is? What is she doing? Is she being taken good care of?

I felt tears pricking my eyes and I blinked. I need to stop thinking about her but I can't. Every time my mind would wonder to her. I only got to keep her for six weeks and before I knew it she was taken from my arms and transfered to some other family. I sighed again and ran my hand through my short processed hair.

I blindly poured the cat food in Mimi's bowl and went to take a shower. I stripped off my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror. My dark skin looked tired and my hair wanted to be crème again. I made a mental note to visit my hairdresser this weekend.

After my shower, I got dressed and went for my papers to plan my lessons for tomorrow. I loved planning my lessons for my Basic school children. They get excited easily and participate in any activity given to them. As I opened up my laptop, I heard my name being called from the gate. I peeped out and saw that my mother was here. I guess she wants me to help with her groceries.

"Lindsey! Lindsey!" I heard her shout repeatedly. I rolled my eyes. She doesn't even listen to hear if I'm answering her or not; she's just calling nonstop. Doesn't she knows that she doesn't have to make such a ruckus? I'm not deaf.

I went to the veranda for her to see me. As soon as she did, she indicated for me to help her with the bags. After I put the bags in the kitchen, she sat down on one of the chairs on the veranda and I sat beside her.

"What do you have planned for Labour Day?" She asked me.

"Seriously mummy? Today is just the third day of May, I haven't planned that far as yet" I said.

"Well. I have decided that we could--" she began.

"Yes, because you are always the decision maker" I said pointedly rolling my eyes.

She scowled at me, "Watch your attitude young lady. you are still my child don't use that tone of voice with me" she said raising her voice.

I didn't say anything for awhile and then I said, "The rest of the teachers are planning to do something at school. Maybe I'll join them" I said shrugging my shoulders.

"OK then. Maybe we can go to the beach sometime. It's been a while since I've been to the beach." she said hopefully.

I just nod my head. She sighed, "You know, you can be a little more enthusiastic. I only want the best for you. After all that's the job of a mother" she said after a while.

I don't know what got over me then, but I snapped. "Yes, a job of a mother! A job that I didn't get to experience because of you!" I shouted, getting frustrated at her.

"Lindsey, we are not going to have this conversation again. I did what I had to do. You were only fifteen for God's sake!" She tried to reason But I was having none of it.

"You could have at least involved me in the decision. I just helplessly watched you deal with the paper work. Do you know how it feels to wake up every day thinking about her? Imagine hugging her?" I felt my voice starts to crack. "Picking her up when she has fallen or reading her a bedtime story when she gets scared?" Tears were falling down my cheeks by now but I didn't care.

Mummy just looked at me not saying anything. I guess she was speechless, After all this was the first time I have exploded like this. I felt bad because it was not entirely her fault. I was just taking out my problem on her. She was only trying to protect me. I was being selfish. But she doesn't get it. Nobody does. I missed my daughter for so long and the thought of her out there somewhere and doesn't know who her real mother it kills me. That's when I made my resolution.

I'm going to find my daughter if it's the last thing I do.

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