Kidding Me

Chapter 13

   After some research, I came to the conclusion that antidepressants probably don't do much, but there might be some physiological  element that's worth a try. So I made a mental note to find some later and decided to find some answers.

   Look at me, being productive and positive!

   I don't deserve to be positive.

   The image of her, lying helplessly on the floor, hair spread out beneath her, literally would not move from the forefront of my mind. Her fragile young life stolen as quickly as a smashed glass. And it's my fault.

   My fault that she's up in heaven, or wherever we go. Well I know where I'm going, but she was an innocent, little child. Where do they go? What if she just in some pit in the ground. I think I could deal with it if I knew she was okay and happy up in the clouds or something. But what if she did just die. What if the church people say she that she not in a good place because she never went to church? I can't deal with that answer yet.

   I can't deal with any answers yet.

   Or questions.

   Jas! What the hell does he think? What has Hope told him. Oh my days! What if he already knows?!

   Staggering like a drunken, I twisted out of my cocoon of blankets, filled with sharp exclamation of panic. It's the most emotion I've felt in... How long? 2, 3 days? A week, A month? It couldn't have been more than a week, surely, could it?

   The information set neatly on the wall, was more organised than I was, displayed that we were in April. Same month, few. But what's the day? How hard is it to fine the stupid date around here? At least here was still familiar: my room. My room, my house, my life. My fault.

   Antidepressants. Now.

   Or maybe I should just let myself fall further into this. I at least owe that to her and Jasper. Whatever. One step at a time. Date. Phone?

   Okay, way to many questions, I know, but where on earth does a guilty murder put her phone after she comes home? Apparently, in cat litter. Dang it.

   One last question... Since when did Carmel and I have a cat?

   Oh, one question answered: we, er, always had a cat. How could I forget patty?

   Ahh! Everything is a stupid question.

   Phone. Right.

    After cleaning it up and a few quick prayers, I switched it on. Bad move. Very bad.

   No more hiding now. 

   47 unread texts.

   16 missed calls.

   And it's May 19th.

   The muscles in my fingers froze as my left thumb hovered over the messages icon. Calls. Calls first. Then I can only see who and not what they have to say. One thing at a time.

   *Missed call from Jas*

   *Missed call from Jas*

   *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Banna*

  *Missed call from Banna*

  *Missed call from Banns*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Banna*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Buz*

  *Missed call from Carmel*

  *Missed call from Amzi*

  *Missed call from Jas*

  *Missed call from Hope* !?

   Sometimes, the beautiful words just flow, like, in dark times, beautiful things can't help but show their goodness. But, in other times, your mind stops. Not freezes, stops. There's nothing there to freeze. No beauty, no thoughts. Not even any questions, just no comment.

   The only person who knows the discusting thing that I am, still exists. The problem doesn't disappear, even if you close off the world for a week and a half. From April till May. Wait, April? No one changed the calender?  Carmel's a control freak, if she was here...

   "CARMEL!"

   Nothing.

    Great. Just great

   She only tried to call once as well.

Whatever, it can't be that important then.