ephemeral |o. dazai|

VIII

The setting sun sent rosy rays through the window of the infirmary as [Name] stared out at it unblinkingly. Her arms were bandaged, as well as her crown—it seemed like she took quite the bump to the head on the way down. "Hey, [Name]," Dazai greeted, his voice quieter than intended as he stared down at her. [Name] didn't seem to acknowledge him as she continued to stare at the grey concrete buildings dotting the roads. Yosano looked at Dazai, before glancing at [Name] with a sigh and leaving. He took a seat beside the bed.

The two sat in the room, a tense silence looming over them. "Do you remember," Dazai began with a gentle smile, "back in the mafia, after every suicide attempt I would make, you would sit by me and make ridiculous jokes in an attempt to get me to say something?" No reaction. "I particularly remember the one with the koala. How did it go again? 'Why aren't koalas considered bears? Because they don't have any koalafications', or something, right? It wasn't your best, none of them really were." But something about those moments stuck with Dazai. It was nice to know that someone cared about him. "It's funny to see the tables turned like this."

"Why are you here?" [Name] whispered bitterly, still looking out the window. "Do you need something?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Silence.

"Why do you care?" That was a good question. There was nothing to gain from this, and yet, Dazai couldn't make himself leave. He watched her empty expression, her [eye colour] orbs gazing dully, her [hair colour] locks stuck against her forehead. Her usually vibrant [skin colour] skin was sickly pale from the blood she lost by slitting her wrists. She must have left it like that for hours before she threw herself into the river. "Is it really that hard to think of a reason?"

"[Name], that's not—"

"You don't need to try to butter me up, sir." Dazai stiffened at her cold monotone. She turned to look at him, a familiar smile on her lips. "What would you like to know?" It was incredible how quickly she made herself sound normal again.

"Did you do this because of your stalker? I can get rid of them if that's the case."

"No, that's not it." [Name] turned her attention to the window again.

"Then what?"

There was a silence as [Name] sighed, leaning back on the bed. He watched her try to sort out her thoughts before she opened her mouth with a soft laugh. "You're really sweet, pretending to care." Her words were genuine, but before Dazai could retort, she continued. "Extended exposure to solitude isn't good for the soul." She shut her eyes, but she was far from peaceful. Though it was barely visible, her facade had began cracking. "It's nice to be alone sometimes, to recalibrate, to be at peace away from the disgust of society, but all the time? God, it gets—" [Name] swallowed, "—it gets so lonely."

Dazai moved so he was sitting beside her on the bed, his hands resting on the mattress while [Name] clasped his arm desperately. "And you couldn't bear it?"

"I can't bear it anymore!" She wailed, clutching onto him for some for of semblance of stability. "It hurts, and I can only get so high and so drunk! I don't—feel—anything, ever and when I do, it's—it's this deep, painful, depression that has no cause, no reason. All I want to do is feel something, anything but that, but I can't. The only option I have is to escape this, so suicide."

"That's not the only option, [Name]."

"It is, you don't understand! I've tried so many things! Drugs, sex, drinking, finding a fulfilling job—like you did—and nothing worked, nothing works!" [Name] suddenly caught herself, stopping. She moved away from him, laughing. "Sorry, sorry, I'm losing my mind a bit." She was joking somewhat, but there was some sincerity in the statement. "Besides," her voice was light as she continued, "that's rich coming from you! You want to die all the time!" [Name] moved onto her knees, leaning forward as she rested a hand on his. "So, want to die together?"

"No." Dazai's response was automatic and instinctive. He always thought that if a beautiful woman asked to commit suicide with him, he would jump on the opportunity immediately, but for some reason, it seemed wrong for him to let [Name] die. He wanted to see her smile genuinely, for some strange reason, but he'll never see that if she's dead.

"What? Am I not worthy enough to die with you? Too ugly for your tastes?" She was joking, but Dazai couldn't help but respond.

"You're beautiful, my dear [Name]," his voice was softer and more genuine than he intended, "but staying cooped up in here is hardly doing anything for us, so how about we go get something to drink? How does coffee sound?"

"You don't have to, sir."

"Dazai, just call me Dazai." [Name] blinked.

"Dazai, then." His name fell from her lips smoothly and carefully. "Why now then?"

"Well you said I don't understand, so why not tell me over coffee? It'll be fine!"

☁︎

two chapters in a day

this ones shorter than the previous one but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless