Symphony Of A Serial Killer

Chapter 12: Self Preservation

The car ride to the police station was quiet, but not for a lack of trying on their part. Probably awkward for them, but I preferred it that way. Normally being hit with news like this would cause someone to break into a state of hysteria, but not me.

Is it bad that when Missy went missing I almost lost myself? Actually I think I did, I still can’t account for that missing chunk of the day… nevertheless hearing that my mother’s body was found didn’t affect me in the least. There were no tears, no moment of me realizing she was gone and I’d never speak to her again.

All I gained was clarity, at least my version of it. The understanding has always been that she chose to walk out on me and never came back, that was four Christmases ago.

Society would tell you that I should be asking questions and wondering what happened. I quickly decided that it’s none of my concern and to leave it up to the police to conduct an investigation. I’m calm, pretty chill actually. I remember the look on Lee, Stephanie and even Caroline’s face as the officers escorted me past them. The girls were teary eyed and Lee had a comforting arm around each of them, holding them close.

He stared then gave a head nod, that was all, nothing more or less. Lee and I have always been able to communicate in a special way. Though not related by blood we truly know what the other is feeling and thinking. We both knew that I'd be alright and we’d discuss this later.

It had stopped snowing so I had a clear view of what it was like to be a criminal sitting in the back of a squad car, watching your freedom slowly slip away as you got closer and closer to the police station. The car slushed its way through the snowy streets of Anchorage as I enjoyed the awkward silence of the officers giving up on getting me to respond.

Leave it to someone who was no longer a part of my life to put me in such a situation. No, there were no handcuffs and I wasn’t afraid they’d pull over somewhere and beat me, but one of my lesser goals in life was to never go to jail, to never be in a police car. Granted this was obviously an exception to the rule, it did dawn on me though… instead of worrying about my mother or asking questions, my train of thought was elsewhere.

Like it was any other day, the discovery of her body didn't shake my core in the least. I wonder how long this will take, I’m not in trouble, I’ve watched TV and I’ve seen the movies. They’re gonna question me on our relationship, last time I saw her, blah blah.

I wonder if they’ll show me the body. I’d like to see if this ghost truly was her and not a figment of my imagination. I'm also curious if she’ll look the same as the ghost did, or was the version I saw today simply a more acceptable one? A suppressed memory of what she looked like when I was younger.

These were the questions I really wanted answers to, not so much how she ended up the way she did. Many bridges were burned throughout my childhood, usually when people exit someone's life they think happy thoughts from when they were still around.  For me it was the opposite, when I’m wronged I never look back at happier times, the past is the past and I only focus on the present.

It’s easier to separate yourself this way, instead of being blinded by the false hope of those joyous moments that only exist in a time long gone. This is a fault in my design, yet my shield. I haven’t shed a tear since my grandmother died over a decade ago and I’m not going to start back now.

I understand the given perception due to my lack of reaction and I don’t care, detaching myself is what has helped me to survive this long.

There was a great chance that Missy could have actually seen a woman this morning that lead her to my aid, unfortunately that wasn't the case. Luck doesn't work like that for me, my life has been a steady stream of disappointment after disappointment.