Shawn Mendes Imagines(oneshots)

"Come back to me"

"Come back to me...please....please..." I was whispering into his cold skin,realizing it was the last time I could smell him,touch him. I was screaming and scratching my skin from inside but,on outside I was standing there like a frozen rock,tears were rolling down on my face and couldn't feel anything but coldness.

There were millions of cameras like it was fucking show. They were recording every second. I was watching them and hated each of them so much. People were coming to me saying "I'm sorry for your tragedy.....what do you say about it? how you feel? what happened? was he happy at least?" I wanted to punch them when they were starting to ask this stupid things.
Pain. Oh god the pain was endless.I couldn't sleep,all night I was just crying without any noise just tears,like a robot,it hurts so much I feel it everywhere.I-I don't want,I can't, I don't know how will I ever be able to smile or spend 2 seconds without this pain and emptiness. I don't have fucking dreams to see him even in dreams,even if it's not real,I don't care,I need to see him.

It's 8am, I got up from our bed, went to his closet, checked every single piece of clothes,smell them, they still smell like him. I was looking at every single point of the house, it all reminded me him, us, so many great memories in this house.We were perfectly happy finally and that fucking time when I thought that nothing bad wouldn't happen to us,it happened! one shot and he's gone! I'm thinking about it so much. I don't believe it was accident, I think it was meant for Shawn, someone shoot him on purpose. Someone took him from my hands. since that I live in pain,the darkness,emptiness. I can't replace them. He had all this places in my heart,now he is gone and that places now are empty.... I took 2 mugs and made coffee.... I still can't realize he's gone, so I'm making every meal for two, In my head I'm always talking to him. I feel like he's with me,only I can't see him. I was cuddling up with this stupid teddy bear thing,he gave me and I never liked it but now it's everything for me, when my phone buzzed,it's Karen. She's calling me couple times in day,she's scared that I could hurt myself.

"Good morning darling" She's sad(of course)
"Hi Karen"
"Don't you feel a little bit better?"
"Honestly? no It's much worse,every day  I realize that he's not with me anymore. at first I felt like it was nightmare but now every morning reality reminds me itself and it's not getting better.It never will." I said and bite my lip to hold tear.
"sweetie I love you.I love him. There will never be a second in my life without him and this pain.but it's been 6 months already.I think it's time to move on for you." she was very carefully with her words
"You think I don't want it? you think I like that, I'm 24 and my life is just lying in bed with his clothes and cry? all day? it hurts,it physically hurts and I can't stop it,nothing can stop it.I can't see dreams I can't see him even in dreams. I don't want it.I want this pain gone but it's not.I can't control anything I don't remember how to breath properly,I- I can't I-" and then I couldn't breath.
"Y/N? Y/N? are you here? Y/N?" I could hear Karen screaming my name but I couldn't say anything,I had panic attack,everything was blurry,I could see the pictures for a moment, when I first saw him,when we were perfectly happy together,and then I saw blood on his white shirt,I remembered how scared I was when i saw it,and how he grabbed my face "Look at me...Look at me....baby it's okay...I'll be okay....baby don't be scared,I'm fine...." how he was repeating these words trying to calm me down.... "I love you" he said kissed me and lost his mind. I only could see this horrible days after that I knew I had panic attack but still couldn't do anything about it.when panic attack was over,I was on the floor in tears,totally destroyed. I immediately grabbed phone and call Karen again,I'm sure she's freaking out,she really is like a mother for me,well i don't have real one so..

"Y/N?" she screamed
"I'm fine I just...it was.."
"another panic attack" she finished for me
"yea"
"please just go to therapist,you're so young,it hurts me more to see you like this. I'm mother I can't move on,even if I wanted I can't it's physically impossible but you're only 24 sweetie,you'll be happy again I promise."
"Karen,please I don't want to talk about this"
"okay..okay...but I wanna see you."
"I'll come over in these days"
"anytime...I love you and please please take care of yourself"
"I love you too Karen" I said and ended call.

I was thinking about her all day.Her son died and she's still so kind and caring. I wanna see her but I can't,when I'll be with her it'll change my mind about the thing i wanna do and I'm thinking about it for couple weeks now, I realized everything and it's best solution, I just can't I'm not strong enough. I showered,took my skinny jeans and his hoodie,sneakers. I wrote a letter for Karen,took weed and went on the roof,we used to sit here talking about everything,smoking weed,laughing, taking pictures, I have amazing memories from this roof, I started smoking,memories filled my eyes and mind, I was scratching my skin with nails to feel some physical pain I just needed distraction from this actual pain,I stand up,smoking more and more, I was watching view,one step and It'll be done.Pain will be gone. Just one more step, I closed my eyes,I was ready. When I heard "Babe?" I smiled I can hear him,I never believed in heaven or hell or stuff like this but now I do, cus I know I'm going where he is. It feels good. "BABE" I heard again,this time louder and I stepped,when someone grabbed my hand and wasn't let me go.
"Let me go" I screamed and opened my eyes,saw him,holding me with hand in the air, his eyes filled with tears.he pulled me on the roof again. I was watching him shocked,touching him. I hugged him so tightly I didn't wanted to let him go ever again. "Oh my god,is this dream? or am I too high? Pff who cares you're with me,you're here" I was saying while cuddling with him.
"It's not dream babe,you're too high but I'm still real" He smiled "I'm sorry I had to do this.Trust me seeing you in pain all this time was so much worse for me but you were in danger,I was in danger too I had to do this I'm sorry" He was saying,hugging my waist,he was on his knees. I kneel down "Shawn...I don't care. you're here,with me. you came back." "I'll always came back to you baby" he said and kissed me.

Well....What the fuck is wrong with me? :D