game || randy

one //intro

i wasn't too sure what i would do after everything that happened.

i wasn't used to being alone. well, i knew i wasn't completely alone; not yet, anyway. i had many people around me and even though they were all so nice, it just felt wrong. i felt guilty. sad. alone.

"what are you thinking about?" i didn't even realise he was there. i just shrugged and walked over to him, sat down on his lap, his hands making their way on my waist. i started playing with one of them, outlining the tattoos he had. my fingertips sliding over his rough skin. i sighed. "am i a bad person, harv?" i felt a dull pain in my chest, it was almost like something was pushing down on me, choking me. it has been there for a while. i took a deep breath, i was trying to focus on him. his heartbeat, his body, his breathing. but the more i tried, the more wrong it felt.

he shook his head. "of course not, my darling." i almost physically cringed at the pet name. i should be thankful that someone wanted me, liked me i guess; but i just couldn't bring myself to be. i don't know what i was feeling towards him. lately i wasn't even sure what he felt towards me. "but i... i hurt people. i hurt a lot of people that didn't deserve it." i knew he was getting annoyed at me. he was the last person i should be talking about this with. he didn't have mercy.

"those people you're talking about were trying to hurt us. they were bad. of course they deserved it." he tried to reason with me and i just nodded, not even thinking about his words. i should've just not said anything. i'd hurt so many people because he said i had to and harvey tried to convince me that it was okay. that they didn't matter anyway. that we would be better off without them. that everything we were doing was right. but it wasn't. i knew that, deep down.

i didn't dare to speak another word for a few minutes, the silence surrounding us becoming more unbearable second by second. i felt his hands travel up under my shirt. they were cold. i shivered.

"i don't think i can keep on doing this..." i said, my voice so small i wasn't even sure i said it out loud. i felt my throat close when he gripped my shirt, making me squeak in response.

"harvey?" he was staring at me. that's when i realised i fucked up, big time. i tried to stand up, but he wouldn't let me. i decided that trying to get away wouldn't be smart, so i just sat there, terrified of that one person i was supposed to love.

"i don't think you would want to leave though, right? i mean... you know you can't do that," he said. his face was straight, expressionless. i put my hands on his in a what i hoped was a calming matter. i didn't want to leave him. i just wanted to leave this place, these people, this fear.

i knew what he would do to save people, that mattered to him, how much he would sacrifice just to watch his enemies die. but i wasn't sure what side i was on. "you can't just quit. he wouldn't let you, you know that, brooklyn. i wouldn't let you." i felt tears blurring my vision, so i looked down, not wanting him to see me cry.

i don't know what i wanted. i knew he wasn't right for me. but that still didn't stop me from the need i had for him; i felt so alone when he wasn't around. i wanted him to hold me forever but also to let me go. i wanted to be protected and loved, but i was scared of it. i was scared to do anything.

i just clutched onto him tighter, burying my face in his neck, taking in his scent, trying not to cry. "i know."

a/n
look: i'm not sure about this and i might edit it at some point but! hi :)
thank u guys sm for reading toy, i feel like i'm finally getting ideas for this story lol. please leave some comments on this🥺