Never Again

Chapter 1 - Coping with Reality

Bianka Grover woke up with her parent's heavy on her mind. It was another emotional day for her. She felt like grief came in and sat on the edge of her bed commanding her not to get up. Fighting the urge to obey, she pushed herself out of bed and willed herself to take on another day. It was just her. She had three close friends who were like family, but the longing for someone with whom she shared ancestral DNA often consumed her.

She stood aimlessly gazing out of the floor-to-ceiling window. The beautiful Richmond California skyline had a way of calming her down. "God must be happy today?" she thought to herself as she looked at the sky. It was clear as crystal with a beautiful light blue color painted across the horizon. There were no white, fluffy clouds floating across the sky and the wind was calm. She could hear the birds chirping outside her window.

"Even the birds are happy." She said solemnly.

She couldn't help how she was feeling, but she knew that it was unhealthy and that she had to do something different to change the way her life was going. She was tired of the same bleak routine and the pain that pierced her soul every day. Everything within her said that change began in Rohnert Park but she just wasn't ready to go back home. She was born and raised there, and it reminded her of what she could never have again. Deep in her heart, it wasn't home anymore.

There was nothing there but memories of a life that she use to have. Memories that caused her so much pain. Every time she thought about going home, her stomach twisted in knots and she quickly dismissed the idea and refused to think about it. Going back seemed pointless.

Her life had changed drastically and dealing with her loss was more than she could stand to bare. She needed to stop and process what was happening to her emotionally and mentally but how could she? Her parents meant the world to her.

Resisting the reality of her situation and avoiding the pain that came with it was the only way that she knew how to cope. It was how she survived it all. She knew they were gone, but she didn't want to accept it. Going back to an empty home that was no longer filled with the warmth and love that she was accustomed to, was not an option for her. She wasn't ready to go back to a city that destroyed her life.

She was all alone in Richmond, California but she was comfortable. She had a good job as the head RN at California Women's Health Center, which was one of her latest accomplishments. She was debt free, healthy and she had everything she wanted except her mom and dad and a loving devoted boyfriend.

She spent her days and nights working and her evenings alone. When she wanted to get out, she went to Amare e Vita Ristorante, a restaurant overlooking the Marina Lake. It was the one place that she could go and relax. It reminded her of the lake in the back of her home in Rohnert Park. The staff in some ways had become her family.

So many thoughts raced through her mind as she stared into the sky. She wondered if having a boyfriend would help her deal with the pain. But the deeply rooted sorrow within her heart kept her from fully embracing the idea of being in a relationship. She took a deep breath and she said to herself, "Bianka Grover" where do you go from here?"

Everything that she had to do was running through her mind as she released a deep sorrowful sigh. "I am not prepared to deal with all of this. I don't want to deal with this...ughh" she thought to herself.

She was stronger than she realized. Thoughts about settling her parent's estate invaded her mind. It had to be done and she had no siblings to step in and take over. Desperately needing to move on with her life she prayed for strength. Spending the rest of her life alone was a constant thought. She knew that it was time to bring closure to this chapter and start the next one, hopefully with someone capable of pulling her out the darkness that was consuming her.