He Gave Me Hope

Returning to him

*4 months later*

Dean had spent the past 4 months high on life, enjoying the simple pleasures of giving every man and woman in every bar the best time of their lives. He had men in his hotel room, women in his bed, and alcohol in his system, all day everyday a party. Dean hadn't had a single thought of Cas, his feelings gone almost completely.

It was a late Friday afternoon, during one of this live broadcasts, one of his viewers had made a comment regarding another broadcaster, one Dean had never heard of. They spoke highly of this caster, calling him a "god of the cam life." This had bothered Dean slightly, he wanted all of the glory, his reputation depended on it, and if other people got wind of this, then Dean could lose his following. Without a seconds hesitation, Dean banned the user from ever viewing his lives and continued on with his life.

But that didn't change anything the competition was still there and, though Dean had never seen his face, there was always that reminder that he existed. They were always on at different times so the chance of Dean ever catching him streaming was very low. Not to mention the guy had a basic profile, leaving nothing for him to go off of so Dean sat in front of his laptop, and leaned back, completely stumped. Is this really happening?

Dean had decided that he would take a day off, he wanted to see his competition firsthand, so he cleared any and all meet ups, cam shows, and video chats for the next day. He hoped he would catch a casting so he could face his challenger, but without much to go on he didn't know where to start. There were no clues as to who this person was and it was really no help that there was no videos left up.

Minutes turned into hours, with Dean waiting as patiently as he possibly could, where is this guy? Finally Dean became frustrated enough to move away from his laptop he needed food, not having eaten all day, so he left the screen up and went to grab food from the kitchenette. Conveniently the hotel room he scored was top notch, with a mini bar, kitchenette, and even a mini hot tub, which made it easy to entertain clients.

As Dean was preparing food, a sound came from the other room, indicating a caster has gone live and Dean stopped what he was doing, and turned away from the kitchen, making his way back toward his laptop. Slowly, while holding food in his hands, Dean walked back into the bedroom where he stepped in front of the laptop. His mouth fell open as he stared at the screen.

What in the hell?

There, looking as lovely as he remembered, was Cas, his hair shorter now of course, with the sides shaved slightly, his face was clean shaven. Dean plopped down on the bed, slowly stuffing his face. Reaching out Dean clicked into the live, the announcement of his arrival appearing at the top right hand corner. Dean took a deep breath then he bit down into his sandwich.

"I know you guys have been asking for me to come see you all, and I will. It'll just take time, I've got a busy schedule, what with trying to balance work and keeping you entertained."

Dean watched as Cas leaned forward probably so that he could read the chat, then he began typing on his keyboard.

Ding.

The sound made Dean jump slightly as he looked down at the small red dot at the bottom of his screen, indicating that he had a new message. He clicked on the message

Hello Dean, good to see you're still alive.

He hadn't moved an inch as he read the message, sitting completely still, shocked at how easy it seemed that Cas completely forgot what happened. Well this is weird, what do I even say to him? Taking a deep breath Dean began typing out his response.

Glad to know you're okay, you seem like you're doing well, Cas.

He sent the message and sat back resting his arm along the back of the couch, while holding his beer. It seemed like ages before the reply came but once it did, Cas was to the point.

The truth is, Dean, I'm not.

Staring at his screen, Dean leaned forward with his hands rested against his chin. He could see the words that Cas typed and he could also see his face. The look in his eyes, the way he spoke, he wasn't lying. Of course, no one else would know, they hadn't been around Cas like Dean had, they hadn't see the unraveling man in front of them, the broken soul who had just lost the love of his life. Dean felt sick. He dropped his hands from his face, letting his head fall.

What have I done?

Dean didn't pay attention to the rest of the broadcast, he just kept popping beer after beer until he couldn't feel his own skin. He didn't deserve Cas, but somehow he still felt that he was responsible for making things right. He couldn't leave him like this, after all there was a connection between them and no matter how much Dean tried to deny it, he felt it.

Call it a moment of weakness, or the alcohol but once the cast had ended Dean was in Cas' chat.

Look Cas I don't want to make excuses so I'm gonna just come out and say it: I was starting to feel things for you, things I can't begin to understand. It terrified me, I'm not a man of emotions, I'm a man of my own desire. I'm sorry things ended the way they did.

Dean didn't know what else to say, at a loss for words, unsure if Cas was even reading the message, all he knew was that he didn't feel any better. Dean logged off of his chat, closed his laptop, and laid back against the bed.

That's when it hit him.

He couldn't tell you why but Dean Winchester was back on the road, never having gone back to the same town more than once. But it was different this time, he was different this time, his purpose being something other than a good hookup. He cut 5 hours down to 3 and made it to town just before the sun came up.

Cas would be waking up right about now and Dean had parked in front of his house like some creep, waiting for him to come out. Maybe if he could explain himself in person Cas would understand, or maybe not and he came all this way for nothing. But he had to try, he needed to see that angel face one last time, even if Cas forgave him Dean wasn't sure that he would be down to have him around anymore. After all, he did just disappear for months without a word to Cas, not that the strapping young man gave him a second thought after the first two weeks anyway but it still meant something to him.

Cas was a mess when Dean up and left, he blamed himself for being too clingy and overbearing. But that changed when he decided to do his first broadcast, just to feel something, anything. Inexperienced as he was, his follower count grew increasingly large within the first month and it never stopped. A small town boy, who lost his husband, was all these sex hungry fiends needed to latch on and it was all downhill from there.

He felt regret in his decision and realistically he didn't see himself doing this for the long haul, just something to pass the time and temporarily fill the void. That was his plan, his intention, and nothing would change his mind; until that fateful morning, Dean Winchester on his porch step looking rather rugged, but just as sexy as he remembered.

"Dean..."

His name left Castiel's lips, leaving him slightly breathless as he gazed longingly into those green eyes. For a moment it was as if Dean standing here made everything alright again, like he hadn't just spent four months drowning himself in sex and alcohol.

But then he remembers the pain, and suddenly he feels completely numb....