He Gave Me Hope

Confronting His Reality

Author's note: Okay so I have been gone for a while now, I kind of had a bad year at the end of 2019, and have been trying to get better from that. I apologize to anyone that has been waiting for an update, I had it mostly written out and very recently wanted to get this out for you at least. This chapter is small, but I have already planned out the next chapter after writing the remainder of what I had written. Thank you all for understanding, enjoy!

Cas stared at this man stood on his porch, Dean that had caused so much havoc in his heart -- but rather than feel hatred towards him for his abandonment, Cas felt nothing. Even if he had but for a moment felt a twinge of sadness, it was gone within seconds. He had decided two months was enough time to get over their little escapade -- or whatever you would like to call it anyway.

"I know that I owe you an explanation Cas..."

Dean spoke as softly as he could, which even for him was a feat in itself. Keeping his eye on Cas he takes a few steps toward him, his heart was beating erratically within his chest. He felt like he was going to throw up, and he knew it was because of what happened between them. But Cas hadn't made the effort to move from where he was standing, instead he stares at Dean in silence.

"Just... Cas please, say something.."

Castiel's silence is broken as he wipes his hand across his mouth and a long winded sigh escapes his lips. He had spent so much time drinking Dean away that first week, seeing him here now just made him want to tip the bottle and forget him all over again.

"What would you like me to say? That I've missed you, that I've spent the last 4 months aching for your return like some damaged housewife?"

He hated the rage that suddenly rose in his chest -- not to mention the sudden desire he had to grab the green eyed man before him and drag him into his house. But Cas wasn't stupid, he knew better than to give into his emotions -- there was no point in opening himself up to Dean like that again.

The other man stares at Cas with damn near perfect puppy dog eyes -- their wetness showing through as a tear beaded at the side of his left eye. Sure it might be a little cliche -- a single man tear and all that -- but the heaviness Dean felt from those words alone, left an even heavier feeling within his chest.

"No, I mean-- I had no idea what to expect. I only know that.... once I saw you on that screen, I had this strong desire to make sure you were okay."

At this point, Dean had been able to get closer to the doorway -- the tip of his boots inches away from Cas' front door step. He truly hadn't known what to expect, he wasn't even sure that Cas would see him, lest he slam the door in his face at the mere sight of him. But when he didn't, when the blue eyed beauty stood there in that doorway stricken with shock at the sight of Dean -- well,  maybe there was a chance, right?

Castiel inhales softly, turning his head away from Dean, he didn't want everything to come back -- wanting life to remain as it was. Besides, it wasn't as if Dean showing up changed a thing, he was still broken and damaged -- knowing the only reason he was able to function was a false sense of security within his clients. Drown yourself in sex, drugs, and booze, never feel anything.

"I can't help you Dean."

Stepping back on his left foot at those words, Dean's face falls. Sure he hadn't come with extremely high expectations -- hell he hadn't even wanted Cas to accept his apology -- yet somehow those 5 simple words were enough to stab him right in the chest. Maybe he deserved that, he had abandoned Cas during a very vulnerable time, so it wasn't as if Dean was innocent. But Cas knew what this was, Dean had made that very clear from the beginning, so it wasn't his fault right?

"I shouldn't have come here. " Dean speaks softly as he drops his gaze anywhere else but in Cas' direction.

"So why did you?" Cas' reply was instant, harsh, and Dean was certain they would burn if they could.

"I thought-- .... well I thought maybe I could explain myself." Again Dean's voice was soft, nearly a whisper as he keeps his eyes away. He wanted to reach out, to gently caress that cheek he knew was soft, to pull Cas into his arms and never let go, but he couldn't bring himself to move. Call it what you will, remorse or regret, but the heaviness in Dean's chest kept him still. Even knowing the reason he decided to come, Dean couldn't find the words that he wanted to say -- he knew he fell for Cas, which was something he never did as it was against his own code, at least at that time.

"So what is it then?" Cas' tone was softer now, although his face still held a stern expression.

Dean reluctantly glances up, his own green eyes meeting icy blue, and he swallows the lump in his throat. Shifting slightly, attempting to close the gap between them, Dean inhales softly with the words still stuck in his throat. He had planned out what he would say on the drive over, but now here in front of this  man that he cared so much for, he was at a loss.

"I know that I said-- that I made it clear that what we were doing wasn't meant to be anything more than what it was, I failed my own code, I fell for you and it scared me man."

Cas narrows his eyes at Dean for a brief moment, Dean could feel the piercing glare down his spine, but he still remained so perhaps that meant that he hadn't given up just yet; or maybe it was because Cas wanted to see what bullshit Dean spewed before slamming the door in his face for good, who knows?

"So that meant that I had to suffer because you couldn't handle your emotions?" 

Cas couldn't lie, he too developed feelings even just slightly, but he would never think of abandoning anyone over that. Dean finally mustered up the courage and stepped closer to Cas, their chests nearly touching. This was it, either Cas would tell him to leave, or they would talk it out and things would progress from there, possibly.

"Yes, and for that I apologize, words could never fix that and I know that, but I am here now asking you to forgive me, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove to you."

Dean could sense the hesitation, he could feel the fear radiating off Cas, the look in his eyes giving away most of it. Cas takes a step to the side, the doorway now giving room for Dean to walk through, and the man's expression softer than before.

"I'm starting breakfast soon, I hope you came hungry."