From strangers to penguins

13

"Dinner and a movie at my place?" I texted Cayden as soon as I got out of the shower.

"Sounds good baby girl, be there in an hour?" It had been a month since we started dating but my heart fluttered every time he called me something like baby girl.

"Wear pajamas. See you soon." I sent back and rummaged through my clothes to find sweatpants a cropped hoodie. I put my hair up in a bun as I walked to the kitchen to start cooking.

As I put the garlic bread in the oven, I heard a knock. "Come in." I called out and Cayden walked in as I finished mixing the pasta sauce and noodles. He sat at the counter as he watched me pile some on a plate along with chicken breasts. I pulled out the garlic bread and put a piece on each of our plates, and then set in in front of him. "Bon apetite." He smiled, and stood up from his spot, walking over to me. He wrapped his arms around my waste and leaned down, planting a kiss on my lips. "You're amazing." He told me, and I smiled pulling away from him to make Kristy a plate and putting it in the microwave for when she got home from class. 

We walked back over to the counter and talked about our classes and plans for winter break while we ate. Winter break was only two weeks away, and we wouldn't see each other much. We lived 2 hours away from eachother, and he would be out of town for the majority of break anyway.

"Im going to miss you." He told me after a few minutes of silence. I looked up at him and saw the sincerity of his statement apparent in his eyes. I leaned in and kissed him, and then got up to clear our plates. 

We moved our way to the couch and I turned everything on as he sprawled out in the corner of the couch, kicking his feet up onto the table. I grabbed the remote from the table and laid down so that I was taking up the whole couch, and had my head in his lap. We agreed on the new horror movie about some kids going to an abandoned house for a night, and laid in silence for a while.

When the credits ended, I could feel Cayden getting antsy underneath me and he began to play with my hair. I looked up and smiled at him, grabbing his neck and pulling him down to kiss me, and then letting go so he could keep playing with my hair.

"Okay, honestly what do these kids expect to happen going to an abandoned house." I stated as some kid in the movie asked what the odds of this happening to them was. Cayden burst out laughing and looked down at me. 

"I mean you aren't wrong." He told me as I sat up. 

"Im going outside to smoke." I told him as I walked over to the front table to grab my pack of cigarettes and lighter. I went into my room for a blanket and then we walked out to the fire escape. I sat down on my seat and looked out over the campus as I lit a cigarette. Cayden helped himself to my pack and lit one himself. As I got further down the cigarette, I could feel his eyes on me.

"Why are you staring at me?" I asked him without removing my eyes from the people walking the sidewalks.

"Can I not just admire my girlfriend?" I laughed and glanced at him before returning to the people down on the sidewalks. "You know when you smoke, you look different." I focused on him, now intrigued by his words. "If I hadn't known you before this year, if I saw you smoking at the skate park, I wouldnt think anything of it. You would just be an average smoker." I stayed silent not knowing where this was going or what to say.

"But when I look at you, and your smoking, its like your guard is down. You get this look in your eyes, where they become cloudy. Its kind of like when you smoke the sadness takes over for a second." I look back at the sidewalks, knowing that what he is saying is true. "The first day I saw you smoking at the skate park, that look was in your eyes. The sadness took over, and you didn't look like the head cheerleader, even though I knew you were. You curl up like youre trying to disappear. Like youre trying to allow the sadness to consume you. But when you dont have a cigarette or drink in hand, you go back to the bright eyed cheerleader everyone used to know." 

We sat in silence for a while as I thought about his words. I finally turned to him and stared into his eyes. "Im not the girl I used to be." I muttered before lighting another cigarette.

"I know." 

I continued smoking, trying to wrap my mind around everything. Thoughts of Dev invaded my mind as I thought about the happy girl I used to be. That girl was gone, for good. Dev took her with him. 

"If you see the sadness, why do you still want to be with me?" 

"Because youre more than your sadness. Because when we eat or go for walks or anything your eyes light up. When I bring you coffee or call you baby, you melt. Because any time that I see you, or hear your voice, or anything that reminds me of you, I light up." He tells me, and I finally look back over at him. "I don't care if your sad or happy or angry or whatever. I know that being with you makes me happy, and I know I make you happy. I can see it in your eyes." I smirk and throw my cigarette into the garbage can and walk back inside.