You're the only reason why I'm still alive || Bang Chan

Chapter 1 : The letter

You were staring at the screen of your computer. There was this contest going on to meet Stray Kids. You were debating signing up for it. It asked you to write a letter to the group. The group would then choose one lucky fan to meet them. You knew that if you wrote a letter to them it would be a sad kind of letter. Stray Kids were the only people bringing you happiness. Through their music, through their vlives, through the shows they went on. They were the only thing keeping you alive. You didn't know where you would be without them at the moment. Maybe dead? At least you knew you wouldn't have been there for a very long time. But everything changed when you found out about them. You decided to give it a try and write your letter to them. You opened up a new document and started writing.

"Hello Stray Kids! My name is Y/N and I am from Canada. Here's my letter to you guys for the contest. I'm hoping it'll touch your hearts. Thank you for taking the time to read it."

You knew you would be sitting here writing for a while so you went and grabbed a snack and something to drink before getting more into the letter.

"First of all, I wanted to tell you how thankful I am to all of you for doing what you do. It brings me so much happiness listening to your music and watching the shows you're on. You guys are the reason I am still alive right now. To be honest, I haven't been in a good place emotionally and mentally for a while now. I'm only 20 and I already have no will to live left. Funny, right? I would say it all started in my childhood. I grew up with no father. My brother had anger issues and he would take it out on me. Hitting me, abusing me, taking advantage of me since I was younger than him and using me as his toy. My mom was an alcoholic. She was always drunk so she couldn't do anything about my brother. I also had to act like a mom to my own mom. I had to make sure she was alright. Often staying up very late at night even if I had school the next day because she wouldn't sleep at normal hours. I had to treat my own wounds made by my brother. Finding ways to hide the bruises at school was hard. I didn't want anyone finding out. I could handle it myself. There was nobody beside me taking care of me. I was the one taking care of the people that were supposed to keep me safe. All of that lasted probably 12 years? My mom stopped drinking two years ago so she's fine now and my brother is long gone. He moved out of the city. He never really apologized for everything he did to me but we don't talk anymore so it's fine for me. Now that's there nobody left to take care of, I don't really have a purpose. What was I meant to do now? I felt useless. I had been trying to repair the broken people around me for so long already that it unknowingly broke me. I didn't know anything else apart from having to care about other people and their problems. That's when I started feeling lost and alone the most. So for the past three years I had been slowly descending into darkness. I dropped out of school because I never had time to find a dream for myself. I've been working full time for the past two years and let's say that the crazy schedules don't help my health at all. I've been sleeping three hours or less a night for a year. I cry myself to sleep almost everyday. I'm not happy at all but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I turned 20 two months ago and as soon as I hit it, I told myself that I wasn't going to last the year. I would probably be gone before the year finished.

A month later, I discovered Stray Kids. I had heard Hellevator when it came out but never really took the time to follow the group after. I don't regret not following after just because I feel like finding you now was the right timing. I did not have any will to live anymore, but SKZ made me want to live. You guys are the only reason I'm alive at the moment. The lyrics you write tell such beautiful and heart-warming words. It made me realize I'm not the only one feeling like that. I don't have any friends, but after finding Stray Kids I felt like I had friends that understood me and my struggles. Although we don't know each other personally, I still feel like there's that connection. You understand me and I understand you. It brought me happiness. I was happy for the first time in 3 years. I feel like there's finally someone that cares for me after all these years. I'm still in the darkness but there's finally a little ray of light peeking out. I still cry myself to sleep a few nights a week but it's not everyday like it used to. I'm so happy to have found you guys. Thank you for existing."

After two hours, you sat back and stared at what you just wrote. It was messy but it was perfect that way. You saved the document and sent it with your application form. You had to fill out your address and other personal information, like phone number and etc. You thought it was weird sending them your address right now, but still sent it. Your phone had been broken for a while now so you gave your home phone number. It's not like anybody wanted to contact you anyway so you had no need for a phone. You listened to music on an Mp3(old school I know) and used your computer to go on social media.

You looked at the time and realized it was already 2am. You decided to go to sleep, but you knew you weren't going to fall asleep right away. You put on your sleeping playlist which mainly consisted of slower Stray Kids and 3racha songs. You felt your eyelids getting heavier as time went by and you finally fell asleep.