URGENT (Book 2 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 30: Frontmen Ain't Got No Sunshine

HUGE CHAPTER HERE! I thought long and hard about the what is revealed in this chapter--it really shapes the next book! 

Leed

She doesn't have her phone at night. The rehab place doesn't allow it. Only certain hours, certain times of the day. I don't know why I want to talk to Ashlynn so bad right now, but I do, and it's fucking with me hard, that I can't get to her.

I think I'm craving that girl for a little sunshine. 

When Ash isn't high, or hurting, she's got the sunniest touch of anybody I've ever met. I noticed it last year, when Trace had the studio put into his house and we all started hanging out there, playing around with equipment, really learning how to produce our own songs. Ashlynn was sober then, and she was a completely different person than the strung out chic Trace had chased around LA and finally wrestled to Vegas, then into rehab.

Sunny and Sober Ash has this way...of doing little things that seem like nothing, but make you feel good. The way she flashes a peace sign and a wink whenever I step up to the mic in the booth to lay down a vocal. The way she's quick with an elastic to pull back my hair for me when I stand over the mixing board or a guitar, and it falls in my face. The way she knows my favorite flavors of kombucha and always managed to keep some around at Trace's place.

I know that girl's got bruises on her brain. Yet, somehow, she's got enough light to shine through those dark, tender spots that hurt her.

And when she shines, bad shit evaporates in her warmth.

But right now, there ain't no sunshine. 

Nowhere.

It's not just  that I'm cravin' Ashlynn. Or bleedin' Tamara or the baby. Or feelin' Mac's hurt that I caused.

It's also that I'm angry with Mac. That's probably why I said that shit to Adam on the balcony.

I'm fucking pissed at her. I fucking hate secrets. She knows that. I never keep any shit from her. She's my sister, my soul. I fucking hate secrets and I hate that she's keeping them from me.

I don't think she's coming down here to my suite like I asked her to, but I need her to.

I can't lose everybody all at once.

I've lost Tamara. She loves Ben, and now I see, she didn't ever love me. Not like that. I guess I never loved her like that either, but she was mine. I had her affection and her loyalty-if not her love-for eight years. 

But that's over. I didn't treat her right. Or like she needed, whatever. I had to be a rock star, you know? Couldn't be loyal, couldn't have a girlfriend. Nah, that would have been unfun. So I dicked Tamara around for eight years, and now she's in love with and loyal to another man.

And Ashlynn? She wasn't ever mine—not like Tamara— and she's ain't ever gonna be, because it would fuck with Trace, and I don't fuck with brothers. But I lost her little bit of sunshine when Trace drove her away last year, and I feel colder for it.

Mac, though. Mac has always been mine. Since she was born and we lost our mother to a black hole of sadness, Mac has been mine. I have been her sunshine. That's how I know about sunshine. 

I shine for my Macaroni, you know? And she shines back, like the moon, when my light hit her.

Now she doesn't need my warmth. She's got Adam powering her up differently than the way I do. He's not just shining on her. He's changing her from the inside, somehow. Building her, birthing her into a star in her own right.

I like that—Mac glowing from the inside. Not just putting on her killer face and reflecting, but truly lit up, the way she is now. So I'll fucking share her with Adam down the line, but right now, I'm calling dibs.