November 5th, 2010
Dear Diary,
Being single in the spotlight isn't as cute or glamorous as it seems. People often mistake me as some proud virgin or celebate because of my refusal to date men and women in the scene.
Wrong.
I went through hell and back for someone who I thought was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I swallowed the criticisms and kept on loving that man. Kept on dreaming that one day, I'll be able to start a family with him and step away from the limelight to focus on my private life.
I wanted to feel that sense of belonging and security I have longed for. The feeling of not having to beg for someone to stay. Feeling enough for a person who finally meets me in the middle for our goals and dreams.
I had that kind of person. Until I didn't.
His name is Alan Rickman.
You're probably wondering my dear diary, why I, the great Y/N L/N, am writing on my journal like a teenager.
It's just getting out of hand. I thought it wouldn't hurt and went out and about after the breakup. Went to all the places that I dreamed of as a little girl, spent my hiatus relaxing and taking my mind off of things.
I lay our favorite blanket amidst the warm and breezy fields in the tail end of british summer, surrounded by our favorite treats and books to pass the time, with the small and old radio playing our song.
I found myself sighing and closing my eyes but I found no respite. Instead, memories of our time together kept on replaying behind my close lids and I couldn't keep myself from smiling.
And then the tears came.
We started here, in this very field that I am relaxing on. The laughter ringing throughout the area, the hand holding, the wine that was spilt in the middle of his blanket, the very same blanket I am on. The warm breeze passing through as we gazed upon the sunset, words were said and I finally said yes. We even talked about naming our first child as Allison. Ridiculous, right?
But of course it wouldn't be a sad ending without something very sad happening, right diary?
Well, we also ended here.
In the very same spot.
Wearing the very same clothes.
Eating the very same food.
Listening to the very same music.
And yet the only difference was the breeze was no longer warm, it was icy, icy, cold. The last arch of the sun quickly disappearing from the supposedly warm sky and only left its colors to fade away as night came.
"We have to stop." was all i heard.
Well, not really.
There were words left to rot in this melancholic place.
Words that somehow haunts me a little to this day. And yet it has been a year since he stood up and left.
And within the same year, he got married. Had a child.
Dreams and things that both of us have dreamed of.
I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt because believe me it still hurts like a bitch a year later. But with how genuine his smile is in all the photos, I cannot deny that he deserves it all.
He deserves all of the things in the world. Even if I am not the woman by his side, watching him achieve it all.
Maybe in another life. But not this.
And to you, my beloved Alan,
Allison and I will be waiting in another life.
I believe I'll be over you.
With love,
Y/N
