moon and stars

chapter 10 - I want the wolf to kill me

None of them seemed like themselves for couple of days but they had no time for it that Friday. It was the full moon and moony couldn't have Padfoot there. He didn't know what he was meant to do. He hadn't had a moon without him since the others had become animagi apart from on some holidays. Now he did not know what he was going to do. The wolf was craving Sirius so much he could not risk him being there. The last two moons the wolf had been howling for his mate and he just couldn't deal with that risk. The wolf had been worse during the moon, as well as all the other times, so what if the wolf was worse than before or what if he doesn't live through this time? He decided that he would have to talk to Sirius. He couldn't risk losing his friendship with the other marauder, so it is best just to tell him that he can't have him come this time or maybe ever again.

That is how he ended up under the willow tree talking to padfoot. He wasn't saw what to say to start a conversation banning his best friend from helping him when he is in pain, so he just went with a simple question.

"Sirius you know the full moon is tonight?" he said with a concerned voice like he hadn't spoken in a whole week.

"Yes, why is something wrong?" now it was Sirius turn to sound concerned.

"You-you can't come this time."

"What?" Sirius eyes bulging out of his head as he stared at the boy looking down at his hands in sorrow "you can't come this time." he quietly said.

"What about James and peter?" now he just sounded bitter and that hurt moony more than Padfoot could ever imagine.

"They will be there."

"Why can't I go then?"

"The wolf is getting stronger and I don't want to hurt you." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth, but it did make the pain inside him worse just as if he had lied.

"Why me and not James and peter?"

"You are my best friend and I can't deal with you being hurt."

"James and peter could get hurt just as easily and they are your friends to."

"I'm sorry." Moony was in tires now partially from pain but mostly from the fact that he had made Sirius mad. His best friend, his mate, was angry at him and it was all his fault. "I'm so so sorry."

He ran away Sirius shouting after him trying to catch up to him but losing him at the castles entrance. Remus didn't know where he was going but he soon arrived at a room he had never been in before, but it was deserted so he turned in to the room just to collapse on the floor in floods of tires writhing in pain. He wished that Sirius could just reject him so that he could let the wolf kill him.

After an hour of crying he was exhausted and couldn't cry anymore so he looked around the room to try to distract himself. The room looked like the Gryffindor's dorm rooms, but it only had one bed and had over twice as meny books. The room was like his dream room, but he did not have the strength to notice that. He stayed there for the rest of the day just trying to suppress the immense pain that he was felling not even caring that he was missing classes.

He only left when he noticed that the time, so he went to the hospital wing where he was taken down to the whomping willow where unknown to madam Pomfrey James and peter were waiting under the invisibility cloak. When she left, he was instantly bombarded but James and peter asking the same question.

"Why did Sirius say that he can't come this time?"

"I – I told him not to come."

"Why?" James asked.

"Can I tell you latter the moon is about to rise, and I can't focus right now."

"Okay, ready."

"As I'll ever be."