Trust Me Again

Chapter 5

I'm laying on my replaying everything that happened today. Having all of the feelings that I've been working on burying come to life again hasn't been easy. Having to think about my brother and how at his young age he was ripped apart from me is just making me have a panic attack I swear. After my brother's death everything started to fell apart. My house started to feel like a strange place. My family acted more like strangers. Ethan started to distance himself from me. I fell into depression. Long story short, my life was fucked up. My brother was my second rock. To be honest my home never really felt like home. Ever since I can remember my parents acted more like enemies than lovers. My house was more of a ring because of the constant fighting. My brother used to come to my room and hug me until I fell asleep because I was scared of what my parents could do to each other. They don't have much of a temper. Zack was my support system when Ethan wasn't there. When he died, my world fell apart. I thought, who is going to protect me now when my parents start to fight? After he died, I was to blame for everything that happened in the house. I didn't help my mother, I wasn't intelligent enough for their expectation. They seem to be almost disappointed in me. Like if having me as their daughter was a huge mistake they made.

My mother didn't leave my brother's room. She would spend hours and hours just crying and looking at his picture on the night stand. Sometimes I would sit down with her and hugged her trying to sooth her down but it didn't work. Eventually, my mother started to empty his room and donate all of his stuff as a way of moving on. Even if she fought with me for the most tiniest little details, I was proud of her. She was able to move past the pain of losing her son. My dad on the other hand, he just distanced himself. Sometimes he wouldn't come home for weeks and when he actually came to the house it was just to fight and get his ass drunk. Let's just say that it was better when he wasn't home.

In the meantime, Ethan distanced himself as well. He texted me two or three times a day. No phone calls. He didn't even came to see me. He still loved me, but everyday I started doubting if that was true or not. He started hanging out with different girls and boys that I've never seen him with in his life. We've known each other since we were born. The Furhman's, Braxton's and Ross's attended high school together. They were the inseparable squad. So when all of us were born we pretty much stick together as well. We became the same inseparable squad our parents were back in their old days. So to say that I knew everyone he knew was pretty much accurate. But, those people? I had never seen them. They didn't look like nice people so I confronted him and just said: "It's none of you're business who I hang with and who I don't hang with". He distanced himself more and more and he started acting more like an asshole than my boyfriend. The day I found him doing what he swore he wasn't going to do, the last bit of hope left in our relationship came crumbling down.

"Claire are you ok?" Sophi snapped me out of my thoughts. I've been laying on my bed for at least 4 hours or so. I left Starbucks at 5:30, arriving at my place at 5:37 and I've been in bed ever since. It's 12:30 in New York, so it's too late to call Austin. Ever since my conversation with Ethan I feel bad that I haven't said anything to Austin about it. I know that as much as I would like to, I will always love Ethan no matter who comes into my life. That summer between my junior and senior year, I fooled around with a couple of guys. Things got a little intense but not as intense for me to lose my virginity. My brother had just die in April and Ethan had just left at the end of junior year so I was acting like a rebel teenager. There a lot of hot guys but none of them were Ethan and I knew that. I decided to settle for Austin because he was my safe option. He's like a brother to me and I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It was painful because every time I tried to feel that special love towards Austin, he would distance himself a little. He would say that he had football practice and that he had a lot of homework to do, but I knew that wasn't true. Austin and I have never shared a kiss. Yeah, he kisses me on the cheek and on top of my head, but that's as far as it would get. So as much as I hate to admit it, I know that I won't ever love someone the same way I loved Ethan. He was the one for me. I thought I was the one for him too, but I was wrong.