The Secret We Share

Kylie

It was pretty late by now, and I was starting to feel anxious knowing I'd have to drive home with Jordan... alone... for a twenty minute drive.

Checking the time it was 10:30, my parents prefer when I'm home by 11:00, so it was time for me to find Jordan and face the music.

"Hey Jordan?" I said, tugging gently on his sleeve after finding him with his friends. He'd been hiding for the past 45 minutes- or maybe I just hadn't been looking for him if I was being honest.

"If you don't mind, I have to be home soon, I can get an Uber or something." I said as he turned to face me. The look in his face was something I couldn't read, it he quickly shook it off.

"Um, no don't worry about that, babe, I'll drive you," he replied, giving me a tight smile.

"Hey you guys have fun, thanks so much for helping me," he said to his friends, giving each of them a quick handshake and hug.

After he'd said goodbye, I did the same, and waved to everybody as we walked down the beach. I could have cut the tension with a knife, though all I really wanted was for the suffocating lump in my throat to be gone.

"So..." Jordan started, "I know I- uh- said something really big back there, and I know it was kind of sudden, but I just felt like I should be honest with you about how I feel." He suddenly stopped in his tracks, turning and gently grabbing both my hands in his own.

"Kylie, what I said was true, I'm so in love with you, and I know I haven't been the perfect boyfriend, but I'm trying to be- for you."

"And," he continued, "I know you might not feel the same, at least not yet, but I hope you'll give this a chance, and try to trust me and the love I have for you." He finished his speech, looking down at the ground, he was biting his lip which I know meant that he was nervous.

"I- Jordan-" I started to cry, and his eyes show up from the ground.

"Oh Kylie," he said taking me in his arms for a tight hug. I think he knew.

"Jordan I just can't, I don't, I just don't know how I feel right now. And you deserve-"

"Don't say that," he started, tears forming in his eyes, "don't ever say that I deserve better or that you're not enough because you are Kylie, you, you, you're everything to me!" He said, a pleading tone lacing his voice with emotion.

"But it's true Jordan!" I said, "you do deserve better, you deserve someone who will love you, who can love you, with their whole heart, and right now that just isn't me," I wiped the tears of my cheeks, surely smearing my makeup.

"Please don't do this, Kylie, I'll wait, I'll give you space, I just don't want to lose you. I...I love you, you know that now, can't you try to love me too?" He asked, his voice breaking like my heart was in that moment. I hated doing this, hurting him, but I knew if I didn't do it now he would only be more hurt.

"Jordan I'm sorry, but I have to," I stated, "I know I'm hurting you and that kills me, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, and this night. This night was perfect, but it just doesn't feel right, I can't give you want you want, what you need. I can't be the girl you deserve," I finished, and I gave him one last hug, before I turned away.

"Just let me drive you home!" He shouted after me, but I know that that would only lead to an even more painful goodbye.

"Jordan it's okay, you've done so much for me already, I'll call my mom okay?" I said, glancing back at him for a moment. I felt the urge to rush back up to him, to be surrounded by his familiar scent and brush away his tears. Being with him had always been just that, familiar, safe, warm but I couldn't let myself lead him on anymore.

It was then that he seemed to come to terms with the fact that things had come to an end, as almost anything must. He nodded and smiled defeatedly.

"Okay Kylie, just know that I really do love you, and I...I understand. Just get home safely," he said with a bittersweet twist of a smile, and at last, he turned back towards the party. But now, the music seemed to taunt me, us, and I just had to get away.

So, I sent a quick text to my mom, and started to trudge back to the parking lot.

My heart felt heavy as the sand pulling my feet down, but in some strange way it also felt like it had been set free. I took a deep breath of the cool air, and it seemed to fill my lungs in a new and refreshing way. I still felt the hurt of fresh heartbreak, but I felt as though the pain I felt was more of empathy- an understanding of how Jordan felt -than of my own emotions.

At least I had a long walk now to clear my head.

*****

I reached the wooden staircase, going back up to where we had parked the car- before everything had changed.

"Hey you okay?" I heard, the sudden voice making me jump.

"Alex?" I said, surprised to see him here.

"Yeah, sorry to scare you, I just came up here to grab something from my car."

"Oh," I replied, not sure what else to say.

"What's wrong, Kylie?" He asked, coming over to me and putting a hand on my shoulder, "did you have fun tonight?"

"Alex I'm so sorry, I had an amazing time, and what you and the guys did for Jordan and I was incredible, but we- we just-" I choked on my words, unable to get them out.

"You broke up?" He replied, reading my mind.

"Yes. And I'm sorry, I know he's hurt, and he's your best friend. I never wanted to do this to him but it just-"

"Didn't feel right?" He interrupted, sensing that I was struggling.

I nodded.

"Look, people don't always stay together forever, and it's not your fault that things didn't work. Sometimes there's nobody to blame it just...isn't right." He repeated, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

"I know it's hard but at least you saved him worse heartbreak in the future. And if you want to talk about it, I'm here. I've been through something similar, maybe more than once," Alex said as his eyes seemed far away.

I hadn't expected him to be so understanding, and I definitely hadn't expected him to have had heartbreak in his past- I'd never known him to have a girlfriend in the time we'd known each other.

"Thanks Alex, I appreciate it, really," I replied, grateful at least that he didn't hate me for breaking Jordan's heart.

"You get back to the party now, Jordan needs you," I said, and he nodded.

"Okay, you have a ride?" He asked, and I told him my mom was on the way.

"Okay, well, I'll see you soon?" He said, giving me a smile before walking back down to the stairs.

I felt a little better after talking to him, and soon after, my mom pulled up.

"Oh honey, what's happened?" She asked, worry written all over her face as I got into the car.

I broke down, tears running down my face for the second time, and told her all about my night- from beautiful start to messy end.

*****