I Hold The 12 Flowers Tightly In My Hands (Seventeen Seungkwan fic)

Lazy

'You're the worst one here. You're pulling everyone down. They'd be better off without you.'

Those are the thoughts that have been running through Seungkwan's mind for his entire life. Whether it was his kindergarten kickball games, or his middle school gym class, or his 10th grade choir. He never felt like he was good enough; he never thought he was worth it, but he's numb to these thoughts now. He's used to it.

For as long as he could remember, he's always been pretty indifferent to the thought of dying. He found it somewhat comforting; like a last resort way of escaping his problems.

This is why he wasn't afraid to do stupid shit when he was a kid, like climbing up a really high tree and not being scared of falling, or crossing the street without looking and not be worried about getting hit, or sticking a pair of metal tongs into a toaster. The fact that he's still alive bewilders him to this day.

'Nobody actually likes you. They think you're lazy. They wish you weren't here.'

Becoming an idol only reinforced the dark thoughts that plagued Seungkwan's brain. He's constantly in the public eye, every embarrassing detail of his life has been shared on camera, everyone is judging him constantly.

The dark thoughts still burn, screaming at him from the back of his head every day, but he lives with it. He puts on a plastic smile and goes about his day, despite subconsciously wishing it'd be his last.

He's used to it.

He's numb to any other emotion besides emptiness.

•••

A rainy Monday night in the middle of March. Seventeen are learning the choreography to their new title track. It's been 4 hours, they're exhausted, some more than others.

"Guys please, just one more run through!" Soonyoung whined, stamping his foot on the floor like a toddler.

The other 12 boys had already gone to get water, dripping with sweat, moaning and groaning about Soonyoung's request.

"One more. One and only one, it's almost 9:00pm," Seungcheol replied sternly, setting his water down and walking back to the middle of the floor.

The rest of the men got to their start positions, preparing to dance. At some point in the song, Seungkwan stepped the wrong way and accidentally crushed Jeonghan's toes, earning a yelp of pain on his behalf.

'Wait to fuck it up, you idiot.'

"S-sorry hyung!" The younger stuttered, trying to get back on track. However, Seungkwan overcorrected, causing him to trip over Jihoon's leg. He slammed into the cold, wooden floor; hitting his face.
He ignored the dull pain in his cheek, scrambling to stand up and not cause any more harm. He essentially bullshitted his way through most of the dance, silently thanking God when the song was finally over.

As practice came to a close, Seungkwan sat down up against the wall, chugging some of his water. The rest of the guys did the same.

"That was great, guys. You're all doing so well with this choreo..Umm actually, Kwannie, I think you may need to work on it a little," Soonyoung explained, attempting to be gentle about it.

Seungkwan's face turned red as he nodded in response, standing up and taking another gulp of his water.

"I guess Kwannie's been slacking, huh?" Jihoon mumbled offhandedly, smirking.