I Hold The 12 Flowers Tightly In My Hands (Seventeen Seungkwan fic)

Isolated

After the dance video was done filming, the guys all drove back to the Pledis building to continue with their normal dance rehearsal.

Just like always, 3 grueling hours of repeating the same couple of routines over and over.
By the end, everyone was exhausted, especially Seungkwan.

The fact that he hadn't eaten much food lately was really starting to show its unfortunate side effects. His stomach ached with hunger, his limbs began to feel weak. He chugged his water just as the others did, his vision going in and out of focus.

"You ok there, Kwannie? You kinda look like you're about to pass out," Jeonghan gently asked him, gripping him by the shoulder.

A sudden wave of anxiety spread through Seungkwan's body. He tensed at the touch, turning to look at Jeonghan with wide eyes, "Y-yeah, I'm fine, hyung. Just fine," he stuttered, avoiding eye contact.

Jeonghan only hummed in response, walking away.

"So, who wants Indian takeaway for dinner?" Seungcheol asked abruptly, grinning widely.

Sounds of agreement were voice around the room, except for one lone voice that said differently.

"I think I'm just gonna head to the gym for another hour. Get a good workout in," Seungkwan blurted out, gathering his things.

"What?! How can you feel like working out right now?" Seungcheol asked, concern in his voice.

The blonde male shrugged, "I didn't get to do it this morning."

Seungkwan was met with hesitant grunts of affirmation as he moved to exit the practice room.
He was stopped by Wonwoo stepping in front of him, gripping him by the arm, "Seungkwan, you really should rest.." He mumbled under his breath so the others wouldn't hear. He sounded genuinely concerned.

'That's bullshit. Wonwoo was the one calling you lazy the other day and he's right about it too. The last thing you should be doing his resting.'

Seungkwan hesitated, ultimately deciding to ignore his conscience and go have dinner with the guys, "You're right," he sighed heavily, smirking slightly at his hyung.

•••

The scent of delicious takeaway wafted through the dorm, only infuriating Seungkwan's mistreated stomach. He wanted to chow down so badly, but knew he had to lose weight. He HAD to lose weight.

'You're so fat. You're such a gluttonous pig. You don't deserve to eat this crap.'

Seungkwan dumped a measly pile of vegetables onto his plate, along with a minuscule portion of rice. He sighed as everyone else chowed down on chicken, noodles, curry, and kabobs.

"Is that really all you're having?" Wonwoo, who sat to Seungkwan's left, whispered to him, discreetly rubbing his arm out of concern.

Seungkwan didn't tense up at the touch this time, it actually kind of relaxed him. The older smiled at him gently; it was...comforting, "Yeah, I'm just not that hungry."

The black-haired male bit his lip, averting his gaze from the younger, "Ok," he whispered, returning to his own meal.

The table silence was broken when Seungkwan was once again the target of conversation.

"Kwannie, it's nice to see you took my advice about losing some weight. You're watching your portion sizes, that's good. Y'know as idols we've got to have that self control about our food.." Jeonghan trailed off, taking a sip of his water, "I'm sure the weight will start to come off soon, hun."

His tone was gentle and caring, but his words were dripping with poison.

Seungkwan plastered on a face smile, despite his soul being ripped apart inside, "Thanks, hyung," he choked out, hastily finishing the last of his food and standing up from the table, "I'm gonna go get ready for bed," he mumbled, abruptly leaving the kitchen.

He gathered the next day's clothes, going to the bathroom to shower. Once inside the shower, he allowed the steaming water to envelope him. The high temperature of the water made his recent wounds sting, but he didn't mind.
He felt temporarily at peace, isolated from the rest of the world.

He stepped out of the shower, drying himself off thoroughly. He stared at his reflection in the mirror.

'Arms are still pudgy as ever. That beer belly is still there. Are those new stretch marks?! Ugh you're just fucking hideous, aren't you Kwannie?'

Seungkwan studied his own face. Without his makeup, the dark circles under his eyes were more visible than ever. His lips were thin and void of color. He didn't love these things, but they were just the side effects of losing weight; it was worth it.

'Y'know as idols we've got to have that self control about our food...'

Jeonghan's words repeated in his head.

'That's it. You just need to try harder. So no more ice cream, yah? You don't deserve that.'

Seungkwan opened his toiletry bag to retrieve his toothbrush, pausing when he felt the familiar sharp edge of a razor blade scraping the tips of his fingers. He pulled it out, holding it in the palm of his hand, just staring at it.

He shoved down the lump in his throat, turning his attention to his left arm, which was already decorated with long, red marks.

The cold steel sliced open the sensitive skin, a line of red trailing behind it. The all-too-familiar sting returned to him. He sighed deeply, going in for a second strike. Once again, the razor did its job; The pain came and went, and the sink underneath him was adorned with crimson droplets.

'One more, just one more.'

Seungkwan obliged, digging the sharp edge of the razor deep into his forearm. Deeper than he'd cut before. He clenched his teeth tightly, trying not to vocalize the searing pain that went through his arm. More blood dripped into the sink.

He returned the razor to his bag; standing there, staring at his arm until it stopped bleeding, "I'm sorry," he whispered ever so quietly to himself.
He cleaned up his wounds, rinsing out the sink and removing all traces of what he did.

He slowly got dressed, making note of his sweatshirt sleeve rubbing against his cuts, and gathered his things.
He exited the bathroom like nothing happened, entering he and Junhui's room and going to sleep.

That night, Seungkwan didn't cry himself to sleep,

But he did go to sleep with bloodstains on his shirt sleeves.
He did go to sleep with a lump in his throat, an empty stomach, and a crushed heart.

Seungkwan went to sleep that night wishing he would never wake up.
Sadly, it wasn't the first time, and more sadly, it certainly wouldn't be the last.