I Hold The 12 Flowers Tightly In My Hands (Seventeen Seungkwan fic)

Tired

The next 2 days (Saturday and Sunday) went by in a bit of a blur. The group had the days off since Pledis inc. was remodeling.

Naturally, Seungkwan remained in his room the entire time, either sleeping or pretending to sleep; leaving the confines of his bed only for lunches and dinners.

Even when the everybody was going to go see a movie on Saturday night, Seungkwan stayed home. It got to the point where he could barely stand to be around anybody.

Of course, he still loves the 12 boys with all of his heart, he loves his brothers more than anything in the world, but he knows that if he were with them, he'd only be ruining their fun. Seungkwan didn't want to be even more of a burden than he already is.

The rest of the guys tried to press on and enjoy their weekend, despite Seungkwan's withdrawal from the group activities. By Sunday afternoon, Wonwoo had had enough of it.

*knock knock knock*

"Seungkwan?" He asked gently, leaning against the younger's (and Junhui's) bedroom door. He received no response.

*knock knock knock*

"Seungkwan, Please!" He pleaded, knocking again. He hardly waited for a response before bursting in, only to be met with a darkened room, illuminated only by a crack in the window curtains, which were drawn shut.

Seungkwan was curled up on his bed, covered by his blanket, "What?" He mumbled, rolling over to face the older male.

Wonwoo approached the younger, sitting on the foot of his bed, "Seungkwan you've hardly left your room in two days, what's going on?" He asked gently, adjusting his glasses.

Seungkwan shook his head, "Nothing, I'm fine, just tired," he grumbled, not looking up.

The black-haired male opened his mouth, as if to say something, but he thought it best not to. He patted Seungkwan's leg, standing up, "You know we're worried about you. If you ever want to talk...well yeah, if you ever want to talk, feel free," he explained, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. 

'See what you're doing? You're making them worry. You're such a terrible friend for doing this to them. You don't deserve people who care about you. They'd probably be so happy if you just went away.'

Seungkwan continued to lay motionless in his bed for the rest of the night, only getting up to go to the bathroom or occasionally get water. He didn't have the energy or urgency to do anything, he dreaded having to go to work the next day.

At some point, Junhui came in to tell him that it was time for dinner, "You really need to eat," he urged.

Seungkwan trudged into the dining room, hardly looking up from the floor. It took every ounce of energy he had to smile and say "I'm fine, just tired," when they asked how he felt.

They still believed him.

The table was weirdly silent for the entirety of the meal. Odd glances occasionally were thrown in Seungkwan's direction.

'Probably wishing you weren't here.'

Seungkwan wasn't the slightest bit hungry anymore. The thought of food was repulsive to him now, it only made him think about getting fat. He picked at his rice noodles in an attempt to stall eating it.

"Seungkwan, please eat. You're looking so sickly and frail these days," Soonyoung mumbled, motioning for him to eat.

'But that's what they wanted. They wanted you to lose weight and you did, but they're still not happy. Maybe it's just you, you'll never be good enough for them. They're better off without you.'

Seungkwan groaned, forcing himself to eat a few bites in order to appease his hyung's wishes. Of course he slumped right back into his bedroom as soon as dinner was over.

He tossed and turned in bed that night, terrible thoughts invading his mind like always. He was so sick of always hating himself and everything else, so tired of living with it.

That's just it really. He was tired of going to bed every night wishing he'd never wake up.

He was tired of being Seungkwan.

He was tired of living..

and that night was the night he decided, once and for all, that he was gonna fix the problem permanently.