Horns // Billie Eilish

Fourteen

Alexis

The last few weeks have been a lot to handle.

Actually, that makes it sound like I've actually been handling them, which is a stretch. I'm barely scraping by with the stress of school and rising gang tensions weighing on me. Things have been getting really ugly around here. Four more of our guys have been killed since the first shootout, and I've been paranoid as hell. So paranoid that I've even started carrying a gun around with me, just in case. And I somehow still have to find ways to not fail my classes on top of this shit.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is Billie, which is a little ironic because she's also the reason for a lot of my stress. Not her as a person, but the thought of her being in danger because of me is literally keeping me up at night.

Is it selfish of me to stay with her even though I know doing so could potentially put her in harms way?

It feels like it.

I should just tell her what's going on and let her decide if she wants to stay with me, instead of trying to keep her blissfully ignorant. I think she's starting to figure out that something is up anyway, considering the fact I never want her to come to my neighborhood anymore.

I'm just so worried that she'll leave me if I tell her what's up, and the thought of her leaving me is awful. In the short months we've known each other she's become so important to me, and I'm selfishly not ready to give that up.

I love her.

I've accepted that as a fact at this point, even though it scares the hell out of me. It feels too soon, but then again love doesn't always have to happen gradually over a long period of time. It can be instant. What's confusing me is that I thought I was in love once before, but what I have with Billie feels completely different than that. Better. Was I not in really in love before or was it just a completely different type of love?

This is sort of the opposite of what I wanted, but I guess that's how life work sometimes; it throws a wrench in your plans. Loving Billie is a pretty good wrench to have though, all things considered. I just wish things could be less complicated.

I don't know if I should tell her how I feel, and even if I do, I have no idea how to go about doing that. Should it be some big romantic gesture or should I just casually slip it into conversation?

I'm going out of my damn mind, if you couldn't tell. I just wish I could love her without worrying about my love getting her killed.

I groan in frustration when I realize I'm being consumed by my thoughts again and roll over on my bed, burying my face in Arya's fur.

This is exactly why I didn't want to catch feelings for anyone. Casually fucking around didn't come with all this extra baggage. Then again, casually fucking around also didn't come with all the butterflies and moments of pure joy that I get with Billie.

A knock at the door breaks me out of my thoughts and I furrow my brows in suspicion because I'm not expecting anyone.

I grab the gun from under my pillow just in case and stuff it into the back of my waistband then walk out of my room and to the front door. When I look through the peephole I see the distorted face of the very girl I was fretting over and I let out a breath.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I open the door and scan the street behind her for any shifty figures.

She raises an eyebrow, "Don't you mean hi baby, how are you? I missed you," she asks sarcastically and my shoulders slump slightly when I realize I'm letting my paranoia control me again.