I push the empty whiskey glass closer to the bar as I get my keys and head out of the clubhouse. "Jax, just stay the night here, you can't drive home, you've been drinking." Chibs calls out to me, following me out of the clubhouse. I feel him reach out for me, placing his hand on my shoulder but I push him away, walking closer to my bike. I stick the keys in the ignition and back out of my parking spot with a wobbly start before I drive back home in the dark of the night.
I pass streetlights and stores before I pull into the driveway. I turn off my bike and stumble towards the front door, opening it and locking it behind me as my mom sits on the couch, looking up to me. "Jesus fucking Christ." She says as she gets up, rushing to me. "You're drunk. You're drunk and you drove home?" She asks, raising her voice slightly. She goes to reach for me, but I push her hand away. "You have two kids, Jackson, you need to be taking care of yourself." She begins to lecture me, and I shake my head, not wanting to deal with this right now.
"I can't right now." I tell her honestly before stepping away from her. I look over to hallway where I see a framed photo of Kacey and myself. My arm is around her shoulder as she holds onto small baby Sadie, large smiles plastered on our faces as we pose for the photo. Abel is hanging onto my one side as my other arm is pulling Kacey and Sadie closer. I feel my bottom lip quiver as I look at the photo, not wanting to believe that she's been gone for three years.
Three years since I heard her voice, since I was able to kiss her and feel something back. It's been three years of the kids being without her, and yet we aren't giving up on her. She still has the same hospital room at St. Thomas, and I see her every week for our coffee. I go and drink my coffee while sitting there and talking to her unresponsive body. It's been three years of Noah blaming me, sending glares to me every time he comes by to see his niece and nephew. Jeff still talks to me; he makes sure to check in on me and see how I'm doing. He's here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for dinner with his grandkids. Him and Gemma take care of the kids for me while I'm away with the club.
"You need to talk to someone, baby. Anyone." She begs of me, wanting to know that I'm dealing with the lose of Kacey properly instead of self-medicating with murder, alcohol and weed.
I shake my head before clearing my throat, "I'm not going to some fucking shrink, mom." I tell her sternly, "I'm fine." I hear her sigh as she reaches for my vest, smoothing out the president patch that is on it. "I'll be fine."
"You take care of yourself, baby." She says softly, "And you take care of my two grandbabies."
I look away from the woman, feeling her worry and sadness, before stumbling down the hallway and looking into Abel's bedroom where he's fast asleep.
I kick off my shoes and walk over to his bed, laying behind him and pulling him into me as I begin to sob, wanting nothing more than to have Kacey laying beside me. I would do anything to hear her voice again, to have her hold my hand, to touch me, kiss me, anything. I would go to the depths of hell to make sure she could come back, I would sacrifice myself, the club, anything and everything I love in order to see her again.
I pull Abel closer to me as I continue to cry. I hear the front door close and lock and I completely let go, letting out loud cries as I hold my growing son against my chest as he sleeps quietly. I feel my breath get caught in my throat as I continue to cry, wanting nothing more than to have her here beside me.
I sit up and get out of Abel's bed, fixing his blankets before walking out of his room and into Sadie's, noticing she's not in her bed. I walk into Kacey and I's bedroom and see the growing girl in our bed, laying on her mother's side as she sleeps. She's a spitting image of her mother; blue eyes, dark red hair and freckles. She has Kacey's auburn locks, and friendly eyes. Sadie reminds me of Kacey in every way, even with how she talks to people or hugs me. She hugs me like she's never going to see me again.
I walk over to the bed and lay down beside my daughter, doing the same with her as I was with Abel; holding her to my chest as she sleeps. I feel my chest heave as I let out a cry by accident. I hear Sadie groan in her sleep, and I push a piece of her hair behind her ear. "If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors. Yellow, red, orange and green, and at least a million others. So, tie up the bow and take off your coat, and take a look around 'cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin', but you're stuck out in the same old storm again." I sing the song to my daughter softly.
Sadie turns in my arms as she lets out a yawn, "Mommy?" I hear her ask softly and I feel a tear slip down my cheek.
"No, baby, it's me." I tell her before kissing her forehead. "Go back to sleep."
