I stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom and can feel the beads of water running down my back as I quickly dry off from my shower. My heart grows heavy with every passing hour; knowing that I need to break the news to Kacey sooner than later. She doesn't deserve to be lied to, and if I hold onto this any longer it might kill me.
"Ain't no talking to this man, ain't no pretty other side. Ain't no way to understand stupid words of pride. It would take an acrobat, and I already tried all that. I'm going to let him fly." I hear singing coming from our bedroom and I stop what I'm doing to listen closer. "You know the light has left his face, and you can't recall just when or why. There was nothing to it, I just went and cut right through it. I'm going to let him fly."
I turn my head to get a better listen to the voice, and I feel my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. There's no way she knows already, but the song she's singing stings in the worst way. I sigh and quickly dry my hair with the towel before walking out of the bathroom and down the hall to our bedroom where Kacey is still singing. I watch as she folds some laundry while sitting on the bed and I feel a small smile creep up on me.
"You don't have to do that. I can do the laundry later. You should be resting." I tell her as I walk over to the pile she's folding and set it onto a chair.
"Jax, I'm fine. I'm going stir crazy not doing anything." She retaliates and I just shake my head, knowing that she needs to rest and take it easy.
"Well, I guess you're going crazy." I tell her sternly before getting dressed into some sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt. Kacey raises an eyebrow and I look over at her in confusion. "What?"
"Don't you have to go to work?" She asks, knowing damn well I wouldn't wear sweats to do any club work. I shake my head, deciding to take a day off. "That's why dad picked up the kids, isn't it?"
"Nah, I'm taking the day off." I tell her before sitting on the bed. "I just thought we could have some time together and talk about things." I suggest and Kacey nods cautiously; sensing the anxiety in my voice. "I-there's something I should tell you." Kacey raises an eyebrow and I can feel the tears build as the seconds tick away.
Kacey reaches for my hand and grips it tightly, "Jackson, I promise it's okay. Whatever you have to say is going to be alright. I'd rather you say something than hold it in; it's obviously hurting you." She reassures me sweetly and I just nod, clearing my throat and biting back the tears.
"Kacey, when you were gone I made some really big mistakes." I tell her truthfully, "I drank constantly, and if I wasn't drunk then I was high. I'd drive around drunk, and sometimes I'd get so drunk that I'd wake up not knowing what I did the night before." I can feel her body tense as I continue speaking. She clears her throat and nods, egging me to go on. "I slept with other women while you were gone."
There.
It's out there.
I finally came clean.
Kacey looks at me with tears in her eyes as her bottom lip begins to quiver. "I-I don't know what to say." She tells me before her head falls. My heart shatters into a million pieces and I can feel her move off the bed. I jump for the bed and reach for her arm as she goes to walk out of the bedroom.
"Kace, please just hear me out. I thought you were gone, I thought you had died. The doctor told us you wouldn't come back, and I was so lo-"
"I get it, Jax." She says softly as tears slide down her cheeks. "I think I need some space."
I shake my head as I cry quietly, "Kacey, just stay here, please. Stay with me and we can figure how to move forward from this. I can't lose you another time." My grip growing stronger. Kacey shakes her head and moves away from me before grabbing car keys and rushing out the front door. I hear the door slam and I sink to the floor as I hold my head in my hands; trapped alone in my thoughts again as I cry out for the woman who isn't coming back.
---
I pull into the driveway and stumble out of the vehicle, rushing towards the front door as tears stream down my face. I don't even know how I got here or how I remembered the route to my dad's, but that doesn't matter. I open the front door and look around frantically for my children as I hear their giggles from down the hallway.
I walk down the hall and look into the playroom to see my dad playing with Abel and Sadie. I let out a loud cry and my dad looks over to me; his eyebrows knitting together as worry rushes over his face. "Ace? Baby, what's wrong?" He asks frantically as he gets up from the toy covered carpet. He rushes over to me and holds me in his arms as I collapse.
"Mommy? Mommy, what's wrong?"
"Papa, why's Mommy crying?"
My dad kisses the top of my head and holds me tightly. "It's alright, Ace. It's going to be okay." He says as he rocks me in his arms. "Let's go lay down so you can rest." He tells me before slowly walking me to a bedroom. I walk into the familiar, blush pink bedroom and lay down on the queen-sized bed. My dad pulls the comforter over me and rubs my back before kissing my temple. "Rest some, and then we can talk about what's going on. I love you, Kacey."
I hear footsteps and two bodies move onto the bed before sliding under the blanket. Two pairs of arms wrap around me as the kids hold onto me. Sadie is in front of me, and Abel lays behind me. "I love you, Mama." Abel says quietly before giving me a squeeze. I can hear my dad get up and leave before closing the door and giving us some space.
"The sky is finally open; the rain and wind stopped blowing, but you're stuck out in the same old storm again. You hold tight onto your umbrella, well darling I'm just trying to tell you that there's always been a rainbow hanging over your head." I sing softly between cries as the kids hold onto me.
"Always been a rainbow hanging over your head." Sadie's voice sings softly before she squeezes me tightly.
I guess the saying is true; when it rains, it pours.
