I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. I walk over to the sink and begin to brush my teeth, getting ready for the day. Kacey is still asleep, she's out like a light. I look into the mirror and run my fingers over the scars on my torso, staring blankly into the mirror as my mind goes wild. I think about the last three years and how painful they were. The pain I've inflicted, and how it could potentially ruin people if it ever made its way to the light.
I sigh, leaning on the sink, using my arms to hold myself up as I stare down the drain. I feel the weight on my shoulders get heavy with the guilt and shame of my actions and behaviour over the last three years. If I wasn't drinking, I was smoking, if I wasn't stoned then I was drunk or both, and if I wasn't on my bike or sleeping, I was killing time with women. I shake my head, the guilt washing over me. I feel my head spin as I look back into the mirror, feeling sick to my stomach as I stare at my reflection. I can't even see myself when I look in the mirror. I don't know who that man is, and I don't know if I want Kacey to get to know the man I've become. All I know is to fuck a good thing up, and I know this will all come out one day. I don't know when, but I'm the first to know that no secret stays hidden forever. If I came clean, all of this would confuse her.
Kacey was always in the back of mind. She was always in my thoughts eating away at me. I don't know if I held onto the hope for myself, the kids or for Jeff and Noah. I never thought she'd live through this, I never thought she'd be around me again. I love her, and I don't want to lose her. I've been selfish, and I bruised the relationship with my kids and Kacey. What the hell was I supposed to do? I thought my fiancé was dead, I was mourning. I don't know, I keep making excuses for my behaviour, and I know that the bottom line of everything is that I'm selfish and an asshole for behaving the way I did while she was gone.
Without her, I lost my way, I wasn't okay. She made love and life so easy, and without her I felt like a lost puppy who was abandoned by his owner. What's she going to do when she learns about me, all of me? When she re-learns that I'm a killer, I murder people and I'm the president of a motorcycle gang? How will she react to that? There's no pretty side of me, there's no way to understand it unless you're involved. There's no mercy in the life I live, there's no rest or true freedom. I promised her a better life, I promised her a life that she deserved and instead of delivering that to her, I landed her in the hospital where she wasted three years in a fucking coma.
I don't know what I'd do if she decided to leave me, if she decided to find someone new. I don't think I could fully let go and let her walk away from this life we have together. I remember nights where I woke up crying, calling for her only to be met with an empty bed or an unfamiliar face. I feel my heart sink as I think about how difficult the last three years have been, and how shit of a parent and partner I've been.
I hear the bathroom door creak open and I look behind me, seeing Kacey standing in the doorway. Her long braid is now messy, and the large shirt hangs off her body as she lets out a small yawn. "I thought you were sleeping." I tell her softly, turning to her. Kacey shakes her head before walking over to the sink and reaching for the glass to fill it with water. She takes a drink of it and dumps the rest out before reaching for her toothbrush and brushing her teeth with it. I watch her silently, and I can feel the elephant in the room lurking.
"Everything alright?" she asks once she finishes brushing her teeth. She looks up at me and I clear my throat before nodding. I feel her arms wrap around my waist, and I hold her closely, feeling the guilt eat away at my heart. I press a kiss to the top of her head, "I'm nervous for today." She admits to me and I sigh, knowing she's going through a lot.
"Everything will be fine." I tell her, "The kids are excited to see you, and my mom is going to come by too if that's alright. Maybe we can hangout in the backyard or something, have a barbeque." I suggest and she nods into my chest before pulling away and heading to the door to walk to our bedroom. I watch her closely, feeling the demons in my head tear me apart. I sigh, and shake my head before following closely.
