Lacuna || H.S.

chapter five

I always manage to find myself in rooms full of people who talk about nothing just to make noise. I'm not sure why people throw house parties on Wednesday nights and i'm even less sure why i showed up to this one.

Realistically, i'm a train wreck. I just have no idea what to do about it.

I'm not at Baileys this time and i'm also not with Petal. It's so loud it's quiet and it's so dark it's bright. Everything inside me is burning but it's a safe kind of feeling. Almost as though i'm wrapped inside a woollen blanket that someone's lit of fire. It's hot, but the blanket would never burn me, even if i wanted it to.

Sometimes i'm not sure that my analogies make any sense, but I keep making them anyway. I know that if I tried to walk in a straight line i'd be able to but that's only because I have good balance. Everything around me would still spin and it would take me a while.

I hate blaming things on myself almost as much as I hate blaming other people. Anna messaged me after class, wondering if I had late classes. I didn't so she asked if I felt like partying. I didn't but I said yes anyway.

It's not her fault but right now I wish I hadn't met her. She's been gone for a while but I don't know my way around enough to go look for her. I'm not sure who owns the house but it's big and wooden and there was a faint smell of window cleaner when I leant again the wall to stabilise my equilibrium.

Everything's going to hurt when I wake up and I know I won't be able to go to class. It's going to take one night to mess up my whole year. I'm so glad I can't feel enough to cry.

I walk along the wall from the living room into the kitchen where my head smacks down against the countertop. I didn't mean to set it down so hard it just kind of happened. Now there's two reasons for me to have a headache.

I'm insanely glad i never do stupid shit when i'm drunk. It's usually just me, more lost in my head than usual, stumbling around aimlessly with a smile on my face. It sounds like something from a night mare when it's put like that but I do mean well.

I lie with my head on the counter for a little while. I'm aware I probably look strange but I don't know anyone here anyways. It feels like my life is one big teen movie except there is no love plot. It's just me going to school, getting drunk, taking drugs and straight up not having a good time.

There's people wandering all around me. Sometimes I can feel their breath and other times I can feel their hands even though they're not touching me. I want to go home but I don't want to have anyone see me like this. I was supposed to be doing well but this room is so damn loud.

I'm cold even though it's so warm and the bench is crashing into me even though i'm already half lying on it.

There's a tap on my shoulder but somethings got its hands around my neck and I can't lift my head to see who it is. I squeeze my eyes shut and try my best to switch my brain off. "Vee?"

"I'm alive."

The voice is too soft for it to be Anna. I don't think her hands are that shape either. Why does it feel like someone's throwing rocks at me? I can't sit up but I want to.

I lift my head off the counter and blink a few times until the room becomes more clear. If I looked at myself in a mirror, I know my eyes would be bloodshot and my eyebrows would have a few stray hairs hanging about.

Rosetta's sitting on top of the counter, right next to where my head was. I'm not sure how she remembered my name but it's nice of her none the less. She's prettier when you take time to study her face. I note that her eyes are very round and her lips are shaped with a deep cupid's bow.