Working for the BAU

Early morning talk

Derek's pov:
An annoying sound wakes me up from my deep slumber. Blindly searching for the source of that sound I got to my phone. Pulling it to my face I open my eyes to look who the hell tries to contact me at 4:00 am! We only came to the hotel at 12:00 am for fucks sake! Opening the text my breath hitches a bit. Spencer wants to know if he could come over to talk about something. Did he notice my interest in his girlfriend. I hope not, not wanting our friendship to end because of my stupidity! Writing an Sure back, better get it over and done with!! It only takes him one minute before he knocks on my door and for me to let him in. Still half asleep may I add.
„What's the matter kid?" I ask him while taking a seat on my bed so to let him take the chair.
„I have a pretty personal question for you. Please don't get mad at me for bringing it up, ok?" he says determined but also a bit afraid about my reaction.
„If you are going to ask me how to do the deed with Susan I won't help!" I answer him without really thinking what I just said. He only raises an eyebrow in question.
„For now, I am going to ignore that. But only for now." he says after he realizes that I won't answer his unasked question.
„How did you overcome the sexual abuse as a kid?" he asks me after he took a deep breath. Feeling myself stiffen up a bit at that. Why would he ask that?
„May i know the reason you ask?" i whisper unsure.
„It's just that, ugh I don't know how to!" he starts but gets frustrated with himself.
„I shouldn't even have come to ask you, I am sorry! Have a good night Derek." he says already on his feet to leave my room.
„Spencer. Just give me a moment and I answer your question. I won't pry on why. But just answer me that. Is it going to help you?" I say quickly as not to let him leave like that. Something is bothering him, otherwise he wouldn't of asked. And if I can help him with that, then so be it.
„It would. I hope it would." he answers with a sigh. He looks defeated, maybe it has something to do with what happend on the plane between Hotch and Susan? It must have to do with someone he deeply cares for.
„Take a seat Spencer, i just need to collect my thoughts ok?" I say, pointing to the chair he sat on only shortly before. I can do this, if it is going to help, I have to!
„I don't think I ever am going to completely overcome the sexual abuse." I start and see him visible shrinking back in defeat.
„It's not like it is bothering me anymore. At least the most of the time it doesn't. But on some occasions, like just now. When someone brings it up unexpected, or someone touches me without me knowing who it is. It brings back the bad memories." I trie to explain to him.
„I am sorry i brought back the memories. But is that the reason you sometimes stiffen up before going back to normal?" he asks me realization on his face. I nod in reply since there isn't much else to say.
„Do you think it would help someone who went through it to talk to someone else who did too?" he asks me in wonder. I think about the question for a minute. Could it help? I guess it would depend.
„Honestly I don't know. I guess it could help, because both would know what it was like, what it felt like. I know I hated to talk about it, with the therapist Hotch made me see. But that was more like the I know how you must of felt! Nonsense that made me mad." I tell him, shrugging at the end. He's seems to think about my answer before weighing something up in his head.
„If I would ask you to talk to them, would you? Because I don't want to bring it up for no reason." he asks me seriously.
„And if you don't want to that's perfectly fine for me to! I don't want you to feel pressured into it!" he adds quickly.
„It's Susan isn't it?" I ask him, immediately regretting it when I see him tear up. Standing up from the bed I am right by his side in only two quick strides. Pulling him into my chest, hugging him tightly while he cry's against my chest. I reassuringly caress his back, whispering comforting words to him till he pulls back.
„Thank you for that Derek!" he quietly says, wiping the remaining tears away.
„You ok?" i softly ask him. I never saw him this broken after nor before the incident with Maeve.
„It was my fault." he says, shoulders hanging low, face downwards. He looks like the definition of broken-hearted.
„What do you mean Spencer? Whatever happens to her or anyone in this case, was the suspects fault! Not anyone else's. You hear me!?" I tell him sternly while making sure he is looking into my eyes while I speak.
„If I only fought harder she wouldn't of gone through any of it!" he says with self hatred.
„Spencer! Whatever it is you think you did wrong it is nonsense!! You didn't do it, she depends on you. That was obviously to see not only on the plane but already at the BAU! She wouldn't hold onto you like that if you had anything to do with it!!" i tell him clip and clear. He suddenly lunges at me to hug himself into me again. I just put my arms around him and let him cry against me. Whatever he may think he did wrong, i know he is completely innocent.
„They wouldn't let me take her in. They thought that foster care would be a better place for her. But it wasn't Derek! Her...her....he hurt her! They didn't believed me....at first and when they finally did he..he...he had already....he took...he took her innocence! I should of fought harder!" he rambles while crying brokenly. Pulling him closer into me, feeling the unmistakable sting in my eyes that tells me that I also was about to cry. We stood there for quite some time before he starts to talk again.
„She has bad flashbacks, panics when someone shows anger towards her and if that person touches her, she goes into defense mode. It was my task to keep her safe!" he whispers against my shoulder.
„How can she even still trust me after I let her down so badly?" he asks me brokenly.
„Because she loves you! She knows you will always protect you! Didn't you see that it was you she turned to on the plane, even in her panic she was seeking you out." I tell him squeezing him.
„When I panic, no one is able to get me out of it, that's why they always had to sedat me. She is way stronger than you may think! And definitely stronger than I am. She still is able to trust without hesitation, that is something that I still am struggling with!" I say after a deep sigh. That is something I haven't told anyone ever before, but I know he needs to know that.
„I thought you trust us?" he asks me in hesitation. Chuckling a bit humourlessly at that.
„I trust you guys to have my back, but I don't trust you to help me out of my panic, that's something completely different. I hope you understand!" I tell him.
„I do, I know the difference. Thank you! For telling me, I know it wasn't easy for you. But if I could still ask you for another favor?" he says with an honesty I have never seen so openly before.
„I won't tell anyone about what we talked about. No one needs to know that you were even here." I answer him in a promise. He again hugs me before turning to leave. Just when he was about to open the door he again turns around to face me.
„Thank you Derek! That meant a lot to me, so thank you!! And if I can help you with, you know, than just tell me and I promise to do my very best!" he says before closing the door behind him. Leaving me with my swirling thoughts alone. Looking at the clock I see we were talking for nearly 90 minutes, so I guess it's time to get ready for the day.