You Are Me- Jenzie

022. Say Something

Johnny's POV

I never knew someone could experience so much trauma in their life. Repeatedly getting stabbed, punched, and murdered by the people you love, then go back and forgive them in the snap of a finger.

I did it not once, not twice but three times. Was I that desperate for love? Was it worth it to feel like this? Like nothing?

I remember a time when I felt like nothing. Did nothing. Was nothing. That feeling of emptiness and exposure. Every day I wake up it feels like I'm jumping on clouds but waking up to the cruel reality I live in. I drop to the ground as they dropped me. Then I feel a weight on my chest that knocks the breath from my lungs, and not in a good way either.

Flashback

Sometimes, I still don't fully know what's going on in my head. I wake up, and emptiness fills my insides, consumes my soul. I feel like anything I say, I'll regret, and that would make me want to hide my face from the world forever. Ever since I grew apart from my best friends, it's really affected my life physically and mentally.

Soon enough, I hear my alarm go off, and I groan, not wanting to get up out of bed. However, I don't have much of a choice but to go to school. As I stand up from my bed, I hear my sister talking and giggling over the phone. I hate when she does that -you know- act so happy all the time. I don't get how she can just so easily see the bright side of everything.

Why can't I?

I hear her laugh again, and that's when I lose it. My thoughts begin running wild as I take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Where did I go wrong? What's so wrong with me? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be like everybody else?

Happy?

I start to feel my eyes gloss, but I swallow it back down, hoping to collect my rapid breaths. Every time I get all worked up, I tend to lose control, and I don't know how to handle it too well. But, it's not like anyone else can help me; I'm the only one who understands.

I trudge over to the bathroom in a huff, slamming the door in fury. I open the bathroom drawer, retrieving an object.

Though my sister and I share a bathroom, I manage to find places to hide my own things. Things that she could never know about. My heartbeat out of my chest as I slowly held the pocket knife to my wrist, tears prickling the lids of my eyes.

Why? Why am I such a screw-up?

I just want to feel something, anything, but no matter how many times I cut, nothing refills the hole in my lonely heart.

I scratch the top of my wrist with the tip of the knife, wincing at the little amount of pain it brought me. When I see a little drop of blood trickle down my arm, it is when I know I have to stop. And when I hear the rattling of the bathroom doorknob, I quickly lock it, just in time to collect my self together again for school.

End of flashback

The memory is still fresh as a day in my head. That was the day I first saw her. The girl who made and then broke me. Honestly being in the position I am now and then, If I would have known what was gonna happen if I would have met Mackenzie I would have gladly skipped school.

Knock at door

"Johnny, it's mom Mackenzie is here to see you?" My mom said through the door but it came out more of a question than a statement. I wanted to scream NO! GO AWAY! But it's like my throat was embedded by something painful. It burned with a passion.

"Johnny?" She called again but this time it was a voice softer. It used to send shivers down my spine but now it sends lemon. Hatred. Disdain.

"Please open the door" She called again. I still remained silent hoping to ignore her calls for me. Her voice was low and shaky. Like she can almost break any moment. But that didn't matter with me, did it?

"Look Johnny I'm sorry. I know what I said was messed up, I know. I've been a terrible person to you since the beginning of this year and I don't know what got over me. I try to do better for you I really do." She cried thro gut the door. I want to believe her. Hell, I do. I just can't bring myself to actually go through with it a third time around. I mean would you?

"Please, Johnny. Say Something"