Nights of Insomnia

Night 4

aNGˈzī-itē/

noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

"he felt a surge of anxiety"

synonyms: worry, concern

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Help, I have done it again.

Been here many times before.

Hurt myself again today.

And the worst part is there's

No one else to blame.

-Breathe Me, Aidan Grimshaw

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Sometimes you get lost in the moment; time seems to stop and you couldn't be happier, because being on hiatus from reality is a beautiful thing. Until it comes crashing down on you, making it seem like your world is being torn at the edges and soon you'd fall apart, because wasn't it perfect? It seems that sometimes life gives you a break, just to stab you in the back when you don't expect it.

My breaths were coming out slow, calculated. My hands were clenched into the fabric of shorts to try to regain some sort of self-control. My eyes were staring at a certain crack in the ceiling, as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. My body went completely ridged when I felt someone walk into the guest room.

"Joce? You up?" I let my body relax when I heard John's sleepy voice from the doorway. "Yeah." My voice was strangled and hoarse. He must have heard something he didn't like because next thing I knew he climbed into bed with me, tugging me into him. I relented my earlier position when he squeezed my currently-white fists and instead fisted them into his shirt. My breathing was a bit more labored, as it always was when John was around. My eyes stared vacantly at the creases in his shirt, completely oblivious about the fact that I was currently in bed with the boy I love.

"Hi." He whispered into my thick black hair. I didn't bother to respond, just clung to him harder, out of fear that he would leave. He chuckled slightly and wrapped his arms around me. "You need to stop crying, Joce. Or at least come to me when you cry, I can't stand not knowing what goes on in that head of your's." He gave me a gentle kiss to my forehead.

"Join the club." I whispered, far too quiet for John to hear. My eyes were still staring, as if they lost the ability to blink; as if it was a stupid, useless tradition that was of no use to them. I wanted to close my eyes, I wanted to relish in the heat that radiated from John's body but I couldn't. I never have been able to. "When do you leave?" I asked him. He sighed, placing a quick kiss on my forehead once more.

"Tomorrow evening. So maybe, we could spend tomorrow together?" He sounded so hopeful that I hated to rain on his parade.

"I can't. My sister wants me to go with her to the mall. I had already promised I would." He sighed before tensing, than relaxing.

"Ok. Then we'll just have to make every moment count, right?" Finally my eyes regained the ability to close, so I closed them, breathing a breath of relief while pulling myself even closer to John, if that was possible.

"I don't want you to go." My voice was muffled and I doubt he heard me. "John?" I lifted my head to see him fast asleep. I smiled before settling back into my previous placement. The more I think about it, it seems like I have the perfect life. My dad's now in rehab, my sister and I are staying with our grandma, I have the most perfect boyfriend in the world who loves me, but most of all, I stopped cutting and taking anti-depressants just to get sleep. And yet, it still feels like something's missing.