XO, Joanne

Surprise

*Nicole POV*

"Dinner is ready!"

I heard my aunt yell from the kitchen. I paused my music and headed downstairs.

"What's up with you today Nicole? You've been locked in your room all day!" My aunt stared at me, impatiently waiting for a response.
"Why do you have to keep asking me that all the time? Can't you just let me live?!"
I really wished she would just leave me alone for once.
"You don't do anything around here!! All you do is sit in your room and listen to that Lady Gaga bullshit. Keep that going and you'll turn into a reject just like her! Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if you wound up living on the streets because of it!"

My aunt always criticized everything I did, but I was used to it. We didn't have the greatest relationship, to say the least. That comment, however, crossed the line.

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO WHAT I WANT FOR ONCE?! THATS WHAT MOM WOULD HAVE WANTED!!!"

I stormed into my bathroom and locked the door. I couldn't take it anymore.
I dug through the cabinet above the sink and found my sharpest razor. I drew dozens of small lines across my wrist until I could feel pain, and I watched the blood drip into the sink.

It has been almost eight months since my life went downhill. My dad left me the day I was born and my mom raised me by herself. Life was great, up until this past Christmas, when my phone rang with the message that my mom had been hit by a drunk driver. She died in the hospital that same night with me laying by her side. I was sent to live with my aunt, Vicky, since she was the only other family member around to take care of me. Neither of us were thrilled, but there was no other choice. I didn't know how to cope with the pain, so needless to say, cutting was a routine thing for me now.

I rinsed off my arm, rolled my sleeve down and put my razor back in its hiding place. I finished getting ready for bed, and walked back to my room and shut the door.
I crawled into bed and grabbed my phone with my earbuds. As I was scrolling through my Lady Gaga playlist, I heard scratching at my door. I opened it to see my aunts dog, Sadie, sitting in front of me. She ran into my room and jumped onto my bed as I shut the door behind me. I got back under the covers and turned on my go-to Lady Gaga song, Joanne.

"Take my hand, stay Joanne
Heaven's not ready for you"

I threw my blanket over my head and whispered the lyrics to myself, with tears streaming down my face. That song reminds me so much of my mom. It always makes me feel like she's still here with me when no one else is.
Sadie moved closer and cuddled up against me, licking my face. She always knew when I was upset, and she seemed to be my only friend most of the time.

"Girl, where do you think you're goin'?
Where do you think you're goin'
Goin', girl?"

"Oh what would I do without mother monster?" I wondered.

I laid on my back and stared blankly at the ceiling, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I could tell her that one day.

"What are the chances of that though?" I sighed. "That's never gonna happen."

I choked at the thought of it. I could barely handle my life as it was, and the idea of never meeting my idol crushed me. I turned back around, facing Sadie, who was still snuggled up next to me. She was sound asleep. The lyrics continued to echo in my head.

"And I'll still love you even if I can't
See you anymore
Can't wait to see you soar"

I pulled the blanket further over my face and cried softly until I fell asleep with my arms wrapped tightly around Sadie.