void // irwin (discontinued)

// February 1, 2014 //

February 1, 2014

Dear Courtney,

It's been quite awhile since I've actually written. Things have gotten worse since the last letter. I don't sleep at all anymore, literally. I could lay down for the whole day, and not once fall asleep. Most nights, I lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling for the whole night. I've completely stopped eating as well. The kitchen has food, but it just food for my mum or the boys when they come over. And the other day the scale read 125 lb. when I weighed myself. 

My mum is really worried now. She came over the other day, and she saw that my eyes were dark, my body was getting really bony, my attitude was dull. She told me that I should probably get rest and eat. But the thing is, I can't. I can't sleep because all I ever do is just lie there and think about all the amazing times we had, or I get so used to staring at the roof that I forget what I'm looking at. And when I eat, it doesn't taste like anything, and I just end up throwing it up.

My boss called me the other day, and told me I was fired because I don't show up anymore. What's the point of going to work if I don't have anybody to spend my money on? Yeah I do have myself, but I don't need or want anything. 

The only thing I need is you Courtney. But you're not here anymore. I need you to come home and lay next to me, to wrap your arms around me. I need you to cook my favorite meal, so we can just end up throwing it at each other. I need you so we can sing off tune to Nirvana together and dance like mad people around the house.

I just really fucking need you. 

Ashton xx