Learning to Swim

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I cautiously walk into my living room in search of my mother. I happen to know that her boyfriend isn’t here tonight because I would have heard him come in. I have been paying very close attention lately to everything that is going on, just in case.

Addie is asleep in our bedroom, but there is something I have to take care of before I can do the same. I am hoping that my mother isn’t too far gone yet since it isn’t even past midnight. If I’m lucky, I might even catch her before she has had anything to drink at all.

Surprisingly enough when I find her seated on the couch watching TV there isn’t a bottle in sight. I take this as a good sign and edge further into the room. My mother finally notices me standing there and actually gives me a rare smile.

“Dakota, shouldn’t you be asleep?” she asks, almost sounding like a concerned parent instead of the woman I was raised by.

“In a little while. There is something I need to talk to you about first,” I say softly. She has actually been decent so far and I am afraid of saying something that will set her off.

“Come sit with me!” she chirps and pats the spot next to her enthusiastically.

I am kind of weirded out by her positive attitude, but it isn’t something I am completely unused to. Once in awhile my mother actually does have good days. When I was younger they are what made everything bearable. They were more frequent back then and I was a lonely kid desperate for attention. The bad nights were bad, but the good nights were so good.

I remember how every now and then I would come home to find my mother singing happily while baking cookies in the kitchen. That was how I knew it was okay to be around her. I loved these days and treasured every single one. At times I could almost convince myself that she wouldn’t go back to drinking and every day would be like that. It broke my heart every single time when I realized how wrong I was.

The next day my mother would always go right back to her drinking. I was just a little kid and she would tear me apart. She was terribly mean to me, calling me all types of different names I had never even heard of before. And when you are young you almost always believe the things your parents say and I honestly believed I was the cause for all of my mom’s problems like she sometimes told me. Maybe if I had been prettier or smarter or more likeable, my mom would have been happy enough with me that she wouldn’t need to find solace in alcohol. You will drive yourself insane thinking that way, which I eventually was able to figure out.

I became depressed from being around her. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t be the nice mom all of the time. That part of her actually showed less and less as time passed. The only thing I could think of at that point was getting somewhere far away from her, but then my mom became pregnant and I knew that wasn‘t an option any longer.

I still don’t know who Addie’s father is, but whoever he is decided not to stick around. It didn’t make a difference to me that Addie was only my half-sister. I knew I would have to take care of her the best I could before she was even born. I did everything I could to keep my mom away from drinking during her pregnancy. It was difficult and I’m positive my mother slipped up at least a few times. Thankfully, Addie was born perfectly healthy.

I resented Addie in the beginning. I had to do everything for her and I, at the age of thirteen, had no idea how to be a mother. I didn’t know how to change a diaper or take care of a baby. My mother never offered to help and I didn’t ask. I knew she would mess up somehow. So, I was the one that woke up in the middle of the night to rock the crying baby back to sleep and I was the one that had to deal with all of the responsibility that comes with a newborn. That wasn’t the only thing that made me dislike Addie. Because of her I knew I would never be able to leave. I was stuck in this life for so much longer than I expected and I hated her for that, no matter how stupid to blame an innocent baby for your problems.