Learning to Swim

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Being without Liam was killing me. Just seconds after he left that night I already missed him so much that I didn’t think I could handle it. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and was literally about to press the call button, so I could tell him I made a mistake and to come back. I wanted to so badly, but in the end I couldn’t do it. I had to end things for a reason and I couldn’t just take it back because I was feeling lost without him. It’s better for him if we aren’t together and so I won’t let myself give in. Besides I’m still kind of upset with him for how he acted.

By the next day, I still wasn’t feeling any better. I tried going about my day like normal, but Liam’s absence in it was startling. I don’t know if I ever realized just how much having him around made things seem more interesting. Without him I have nothing to look forward to at the end of work or school and that makes things so much more unbearable. The day dragged on forever and I have a feeling every day without him will be just as bad. I never noticed how empty my life was before him and now that he is gone I am terrified of it becoming that empty once again.

Addie also seems to be missing Liam. It’s only been a day, but she has already been asking about him. It sucks enough dealing with the break up on my own, but now I’m going to have to hurt Addie as well by telling her that Liam won’t be around any more. I don’t think she is going to take it well and I feel terribly guilty for it. For now, though, I have been trying to act like everything is perfectly fine so as not to upset her yet. I never realized how hard it is to smile when all you feel like doing is curling up into a ball and crying your eyes out. I suppose there will be time for that later once she is asleep, which shouldn’t be too long.

I actually ended my shift at work early because I just couldn’t handle being there any longer. Maggie wasn’t there, for which I was grateful because I know she would have made me talk about it and I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet. Now I am at home with Addie and my mother. She is the last person that I want to talk to and so I have been trying to steer clear.

Addie and I are seated on her bed as I read her another bedtime story. I’ve already read four others, but they have all been useless in getting her to sleep. I finally notice her eyes starting to close as I finish the last few lines of the story. I breathe a sigh a relief as I slide off of her bed, immediately letting the fake smile I had been wearing drop. I feel so utterly exhausted, but I know that if I tried to fall asleep I never would be able to. Just the thought of laying there with nothing to do, but think about Liam is about as unappealing as talking to my mother.

I tiptoe across the room, looking for something to distract myself when I hear the sound of my cell phone ringing. I quickly grab it off of my dresser and feel my heart sink as I read Liam’s name staring back at me. This is probably the fiftieth time he has called me today, along with his numerous text messages. I haven’t answered any of them.

I silence my phone, so as to not wake up Addie and then walk into the hallway so that she won’t hear me cry. I don’t let the sobs consume me as they did the night before, but tears slide down my face in quick succession. All of the emotion I have been bottling up all day finally breaks free and I feel the pain of it all in startling amounts. It feels eerily like my heart is breaking, which I guess it might be.

I wish desperately that I could have answered that call from Liam, but I’m not anywhere near ready yet. If I answered and he told me he wanted me back I wouldn’t be able to resist. It’s easier to just ignore him and pretend that everything is still okay. I won’t even allow myself to read the texts after I read the first few and they drove me to tears every time. Since I was in school I spent a lot of time in the bathroom trying to pull myself together today. Eventually I figured it would be better if I just didn’t read them.