Dear Emma, Love Killian. |COMPLETED|

Day 5

Dear Emma,

Just under a week and my heart still breaks a little more each day when you aren't with me. My heart is barely in my chest, it's now just pieces of a reminiscence of a life which was here, but now gone, faded away.

The thing is, I can't even understand, how after all if this I'm actually breathing. I can't get my head around the fact that I'm still alive. I think I know but it's not very clear to me, still a miscellaneous thought, an idea pondering amongst the depths of my broken heart.

I think it's because of what I always used to say to you Em, that I'm a survivor. All of those times, I found a way back to you and now I'm hoping you'll do the same. I told you I was a survivor and I could survive anything, even a trip to hell and back, but this seems impossible.

It's just the same excuse I tell you every day. I'm trying. I'm trying my absolute hardest to stay alive, to keep living without you, but nothing seems to work. But, I'm trying to keep positive. Every day may be a new obstacle, but I'll jump that hurdle when I get to it, no matter how hard.

Yesterday was okay Em, it wasn't brilliant, no days have been brilliant since you left me, but nevertheless it was okay. I think my hearts going to explode from everything and yesterday someone showed me a little glimace of hope. So, let me tell you.

I was sat on your bed with you, in my prime spot wrapped around you until I heard a nurse shouting. She was shouting really loud and I got out of the bed and went through the double doors. You'll never guess who was out there Em, David. Your father. I could barely tell who he was until I walked down the corridor towards him and the nurse, both still shouting.

After all he said on the box, quite frankly I was shocked over the fact he had the guts to come and see you. So I walked down the corridor calmly, just like the person I am now, and didn't stoop to his level.

When I got down there the nurse was shouting at him angrily telling him he couldn't come in and visit you as visiting time was over. He shouted at me and the nurse as I stood in the corridor blocking the way with my arms across my chest.

He told me he had to see you and I couldn't help but roll my eyes with the irony of his words and I shouted back at him. I really tried not to, but the way he was speaking, I couldn't help but let my angered rage explode out of me.

I told him visiting time was over and he begged me to see you. I was the better man and let him. If only you were there Em, I bet you would have been really proud of all I've become. He thanked me and the nurse hesitated but I told her that he was family after all and she let him in.

We headed back down the corridor still in stiff silence but I let him in the room to see you. He rushed to your side and I sat on the bottom of your bed watching him until he came and sat next to me at the bottom of the bed.

He asked me if it was hard and I told him what I always tell you. The familiar phrase in which the both of us had grown to become familiar with. We've both heard it so often, I probably don't even have to tell you, but I'll tell you anyway Em, I'll tell you, our all so familiar phrase, which we both have grown accustomed too.
"I'm a survivor."

Its funny how a phrase can end up meaning so much to two people, more than anyone could imagine. If you think about it Swan, both of us are survivors as, in our own ways, we are getting through this, both of us individually. We may not be talking or holding each other physically, but we are emotionally. It's like a rope, keeping us intertwined together, even if we aren't on the same wavelength.

Your father knew what I was on about and he knew I told it to you, he could tell how it keeps us both going. So, that must mean he got told by someone, right? I don't know if you told him Em, or you told Snow and she told him, but either way, it doesn't matter. I don't mind, but either way, he knew and well, that's okay.

After that he started to apologize for what he said earlier down the box and I told him to leave it. I mean, we have plenty other things to worry about right about now. What he told me next, shocked me the most. He told me he was glad it was me who you fell in love with.

I couldn't believe it. It had taken a while but it was the one sentence which I wanted to hear. It was what I wanted to hear. After all of this time, he was glad it was me. Did you hear that Em? He was glad. If that's not worth coming back for, I don't know what is.

We spoke after for a while about you squeezing my hand and he was as shocked as I was. He was shocked, but I could sense a little anger funneling and whirling inside of him but I didn't blame him. I mean, after all, it's the same way I reacted. He joked about Whale to me and we sat on the edge of your hospital bed for ages. It didn't feel like long, but it really was. It was nearly 10.30pm.

He got up of bed and I smiled at him and thanked him for coming and visiting and told him he could bring Snow next time, he agreed and waved goodbye. Then he left the room, and I watched him walk down the corridor. He stopped near the end of the corridor and waved. I smiled and waved to.

After he had left I switched of the light and pulled the main curtains closed and climbed back into bed with you, wrapping myself around you. I squeezed your hand, wishing the same thing I had wished for for the past 5 days.

That you'd come back to me.

I'm staying strong and growing into a better person each day, but as I grow my heart breaks.

I miss you so much Em, and so does everyone else.

But I've got hope.

Right about now that's the strongest thing of all.

Until tomorrow my love,
Love Killian.