Dear Emma, Love Killian. |COMPLETED|

Day 8

Dear Emma,

I've realised that the thing which is hurting me even more everyday and causing me to cry even more, is not the pain of you being gone, but the realisation.

It's the realisation that maybe this is all my fault. Maybe if I payed more attention to you you would've never left, you would still be with me and I wouldn't have to right these letters as this would've never happened to the both of us.

Maybe if I followed you upstairs that night and sat on the edge of the bed with you after you came out of the bathroom, wiped your tears and let you cry into my shoulder as I held your hand and told you it would all be okay, that maybe you would still be with me.

Maybe if I held you tight and as close as I possibly could, you'd hold me tight now and tell me it's okay, just like I told you, when we first lost our first and only glimace of hope. Maybe you'd let me cry into your shoulder and I'd let you see me cry.

All I want is that you can see me cry, see all we've tried to build die, shatter, break into a million pieces, nothing compared to what my heart breaks each day inside of my broken body. I don't care how I'm supposed to be strong and how much I promised you. That's irrelevant now, I just wanted you to hold me, and now you can't even do that.

I bet your wondering what's cast this all over me as I promised you I wouldn't do this, so I think I better tell you. I better tell you what's caused this lack of hope.

Doctor Whale sent you for some tests yesterday to check how you are doing and I stayed in the room with you and they took your leg cast of.

If you were here Em you'd probably be able to start walking and you'd be back on your feet and, you'd probably be home.

I probably would be able to take you home and you would be able to go and see your family and all your friends in Storybrooke and I bet they would welcome you with open arms, happy to have the Saviour back.

All of these tests got my thinking and coming to the sickening realisation that all of this is my fault. I bet you're sat reading these, holding me tight and telling me it's not my fault. You see Em, the thing which makes me think it is is that you're not here to tell me.

It's that the only thing I have to tell me that is your parents, and sometimes that's okay, but the rest of the times, all of the other times, I want it to be you.

I want it to be you to tell me that it wasn't my fault that I didn't cause any of this, and that you leaving wasn't my fault.

If it was my fault, which I'm thinking it is right now, I would hope that I'd make me feel a little bit better knowing that this would have happened if I did come and hold you tight that night.

I don't have you to tell me of this, so the only thing I have, is like I said, it's your parents or the hope which I'm supposed to have right now.

The hope which is supposed to tell me that I just need to keep fighting and so do you, that one day you'll be back with me laughing at my stupid jokes, or like your father said, having a family with me.

For now though, those figures of hope aren't real and I'm trapped in this lonely reality, still hoping that I'll wake up to the smell of pancakes, or the smell of your perform drawing up my nose.

I know that won't happen but I'm hoping, and I'll keep hoping that one day my dreams will be a reality to the both of us and you'll be back with me, you'll be able to hold me tight and close to your heart, just like I hold your hand every day.

I just need to keep fighting like the survivor I told you I am. And Em, I will. I'm going to the pirate who keeps hope and never looses the torch, as this is the only thing keeping me separated from the dark right now.

I don't know if I'll be able to write to you, without crying and loosing even more hope. It's so hard Emma. It just feels like your drifting away even more as the days come to a close.

I don't know when I'll write again, but I love you Emma. I always did, I always will. Stay strong love and I'll try for you, no matter what. Just try for me, that's all I ask.

Try to get back to me and I'll try stay strong.

After all we are both on our own missions, just trying to overcome this storm at sea.

Love Killian.