how I feel...

who am i ?

Who am i ..
I'm Im a failure , im worthless, I've been through alot , and i feel empty ...
Make me understand why i deserve this and how i feel , people leave , people die and it's my fault , i'm the problem . i smile i say i'm fine and believe me , i want to be replaced , i want to walk out of this world and never come back, i don't need to be fixed , i listen to people opinions and u tried to change me , but it never worked because i realized that i'm nothing and i will always be nothing , im screaming but yet no one is hearing it , i try to be strong and cover my damaged self in my aggression . im paralyzed in my own thoughts , i overthink too much ,
I have no one and i'm okay will that , i have no hope  because you hope for things you get let down . and i can't take it anymore , i might as well join my family , dead . i've been through hell but i've tried to keep myself together , i help everyone but i can't even help myself . i feel so alone and trapped that i can't even breathe
All the people that i have lost its my fault , i'm the problem . and i can't take it anymore
My words don't mean anything , my opinion means nothing
Friends become family but yet what is the meaning of family , nothing , every hit , scream , cry and breakdown i tell myself it's my fault , i deserve this and i can't change the way i act or look at myself i'm sorry for being broken , and im torn between death and living but yet i feel like i'm in a constant slumber ? i want to wake up from this nightmare but i can't so i'll slowly slip away from people's memories and people dreams and they won't care they wont miss me because i won't miss myself , because truly i'm not myself since the age of 8 but yet im punished because i can't change and i wish , i truly wish that i could change , so who am i ? i don't know and i will never find out because i can't change .
I try to sleep but I can't , thinking about everything , replaying the suicide's  , deaths of everyone , the screams and feeling like I could of done something to help , but I didn't because I'm too stupid to realize what was going on in people lives and after my aunt debbie I swore on my life not another person I know shall die because of suicide but yet 3 people I know have died because of depression .. and died but I didn't help them and I could off if I picked up the signs of Lacey or my family maybe they would be still here ... so who am I ? I'm a person who is an constant reminder of broken and not being able to be fixed and a failure I'm not going to succeed in anything .  Not even life People keep telling me that it will be okay , but it got to the point my brain the voices have got too strong and I just can't take it anymore I want to die , and I need to die I know you don't understand but I can't help people , I've failed , as everything and I can't even help myself but die , i literally just want to die , I don't belong here , theirs nothing but memories of death and pain on this world and me even breathing is an reminder I fell this it's my fault and I failed my family by not realising that my antie debbie was dealing with shit and so was my uncle pay land my antie Julie because I failed them all as a niece
I feel alone , everyday I wake up and I wish the sunlight didn't come though my window , because that's a sign of hope and I'm sick of getting let down and I just give up .. whats the point of living just to die in 50 years ? I'm no longer myself, I've changed but I won't be happy I'm never going to be happy , I'm nothing without my personality but I mean nothing to anybody anymore , so I just give up
Everyone hates me and it's got to the point we're I hate myself , I'm worthless , their is no point of me living anymore , no ones going to miss me ... because I won't even miss myself
Who am I ? That's the question but I'm no body , I have no future I have no body so I'm nothing .. I feel like theirs no happy ending but death , it's like an on going story but the author is none existent because I've made so many bad choices their is no ending because their is no story , no life . But theirs an lonely atmosphere that I can't run away from anymore , I'm sorry I'm selfish .. but I just wish that all the suffering went and the sun never came into my window again .
The worst thing is , not being able to cry because you've cried too much , I want to move on but I can't ,It's for too much , I have so much anger and hurt bottled up that I can't help it , I punch I scream and I cry but I can't help it , no one understands , what I've been through or what I'm going through , and they never will and I can't take it anymore , everyone thinks I've improved but I haven't because I lie , I lie saying that I'm fine and that I'm happy but really I'm not , i fakes laugh, I fake a smile and I fake my happiness and yet no one can see that I'm in pain and I need to be fixed but no one gets it and it hurts because I'm that irrelevant to people that they don't care
I Don't even care anymore , I'm falling apart I feel so damaged and numb but o don't see the point and I tried to talk to a person but they shut me off and said "don't talk to me while your like this " "shut up" and then i reused I don't care about myself anymore and neither does anyone I don't belong here anymore and I just want to go and get the hell out of this world , I put on a brave face because I have to be the strongest one and I feel like the worst is on my shoulders and it's crushing me and I just want to die and Im officially done with myself and my family and everyone else and I keep talking my anger out on people and I just cry and cry and cry because it's all built up and that voice in my head is just telling me , end it , go before anyone notices , or no one actually cares about you , and I've started to believe it You don't relise I'm done , it's  got to the point , were I don't care anymore , I've given up I just want to cry and I don't sleep I cry and I'm a worthless piece of shit and I both people and people don't understand what I've been through and they tell me I'm always here for you but then they tell me too shut up when I feel like killing myself and I don't belong here anymore and no one understand what every hit scream and broken promise feels like and it makes me feel like a waste of space that no one acc cares about me , I'm like a cm away from a mental breakdown and I can't take it anymore  , it's getting worse everything including my life is just getting worse and I hate it and I can't deal with it anymore And I feel so worthless and empty and broken , I'm literally drowning in self hate , it's getting worse everything including my life is just getting worse and I hate it and I can't deal with it anymore I just give up I don't want to breathe anymore , I'm an mistake so who am I ? ... A PERSON THAT NEVER BELONGED