Saudade

I. Amusement Park

"Yara, don't let go of my hand." a voice whispered to my ear while tightly holding my hand. I nodded but I can't remember who that person was, but I can feel the connection we have; it's like I've known him for so long.

"Yara, hold your father's hand." another voice whispered while smilimg at me and the guy beside me. Is this supposed to be a dream? I tried to wake my self up but I can't, it's like I'm stuck to this moment.

I looked at the guy, he looks exactly like me. Is he my dad? The old lady told me so. She looks like me too. Who are these people? Are they my family? Nonetheless, I'll enjoy my ride. It's so nice up here, the view is breathtaking.

Then it stopped, for a while I was centimeters apart from the clouds and still miles away from thousands of stars in the sky. I count them one by one and smiled as the ferris wheel continues to move once again.

"Yara, let's go down." he offered his hand to me but I resisted and did not want to go down.

I don't want to go down. I don't want this to end. I want to stay. This is where I belong.

"Yara! Yara! Nakatulog kana d'yan!"

For them it was all a dream; but for me, I knew I was there in that moment. Whatever that was, I knew it was real. I felt his touch; I heard his heartbeat.

"Yara, mulat ka na, nananaginip ka parin."

"Sis, isang dagok pa ha. Gising na ako oh." I widened my eyes to prove her I'm already awake and unbackled my belt and left our ride, Gina followed suit.

"Sis, sabihin mo nga. Lasing ka ba o nakadrugs?" Gina, being the silly girl she is. Always thinking about silly things. 

I quickly put my arm on her shoulder and moved closely to her.

"G, malayo pa ako sa lasing o pagiging adik. You shouldn't generalize na adik or lasing ako porke di agad ako nakarespond sayo. Maybe may naalala lang ako, or I'm just in a state of shock dahil sa heigts." I then ushered her towards the carousell and opted to buy a ticket for us two.

"Ikaw, sis lagi ka na lang may mga deep explanations sa mga sinasabi ko. Mamaya mo, maging scientist ka na." Kinuha niya ang ticket niya at ang salamin sa bag niya. Marahan siyang nagpulbo at nagpacute sa salamin niyang libre sa Vice Cosmetics.

"I just know things, and I had to kasi fallacy yun noh. And, Gina, di porke madami ako ineexplain e scientist na ako. Ayan ka na naman." She tried to cut me off sa pageexplain ko pero wala siyang nagawa, libre ko siya dito e.

The operator opened the gate for the carousell and we entered and picked which horse we'll be riding.

"Ay nako, ayoko na nga. Baka maging debate pa 'to tapos matalo ako. No wonder, best speaker ka lagi sa mga sinasalihan mong debate. Pero bago ka sumagot, magenjoy muna tayo."

Hindi na ako umangal. I picked the brown horse that reminds me of Bojack Horseman, a series I used to watch on Netflix while Gina picked the pink horse behind me. She opted for a selfie so we posed for a couple of clicks and stopped when the machine started.

"Ya, picturan kita d'yan pretty mo."I tried to flash a smile for Gina and posed for the camera.

The reason why we're here at an amusement park is because my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for a year, wala namang naging problema, actually I thought he's the One; we didn't fight, wala namang third party. Pero hindi ba 'yun ang mas masakit? 'Yung di mo alam kung bakit bigla na lang nawala.

Sabi ko naman mahal ko siya and ganun din siya sakin. Pero bakit? And here I am, trying to find answers in an amusement park where he and I often go.

"Alam mo, what freaking hurts like hell? E tinry naman naming magwork pero bakit andito ako at wala siya ngayon sa tabi ko?" I bawled out while trying to find answers to my countless questions. Gina caressed my back as I cry myself out.

We decided to sit on a bench beside a trash can after the carousell ride, grabbed some food and listen to the loud irritating music.

"Gina, alam mo may point ka. Para na akong lasing pero mahal ko parin siya. Pero bakit?" Natatawa ako kay Gina kasi sa bawat tanong ko lagi siyang ano? to prove na nakikinig siya.

"Bakit ba kasi hindi pwedeng maging kami? Alam ko namang kulang ako pag wala siya, ganun din siya sakin. Hindi ko na alam kung paano ako magiisip! Mababaliw na ata ako!" sa kadramahan ko e nabitawan ko ang Mountain Dew na hawak ko at natapon ang laman sa binti ko. Agad naman 'tong pinunasan ni Gina.

"Haynako, babaita!" may halong inis sa tono niya pero malambing at dahan dahan ang pagpupunas niya sa akin. She's my bestfriend Gina Tan.

"Sis, dahil ba magkaiba kami ng gusto kaya hindi kami pwede? Pwede bang ikaw naman magexplain kahit mema lang."

She rolled her eyes at me after hearing what I said. She paused for a while, maybe trying to think for a good explanation? Kasi alam niyang di ako nasasatisfied sa basta bastang explanations lang.

"Makinig ka. Di ako magaling dito pero, wala siya dito kasi nandito ako. Wala na siya, pero nandito ako. Ibig sabihin hindi ka kulang, hindi ka nagiisa. Hindi pwedeng maging kayo? Pero naging kayo na, baka hanggang dun na lang. At least, wala kayong samaan ng loob. Baka kasi pag nagtagal pa kayo, magkasawaan kayo and there'll be someone who'll get hurt. Mali ka, you don't complete each other kaya nga kayo naghiwalay e. Truth hurts kaya wag mo kong taasan ng kilay d'yan. You don't have to change your preference for someone you love, kaya ka nga naging ikaw dahil sa mga gusto mo. Bakit gusto mo bang maging si Lorence? If you would go insane, walang tatanggap sayo na mental kaya umayos ka ako lang saka si Lola Ma ang makakapagtiyaga sayo."

For the longest time she's been my friend, I have never heard such words from her. To my surprise, I smiled and shed a tear because of my bestfriend.

"Halika nga!" she quickly wiped my tears and held my  hand.

"Sis, I quote: if things didn't work out for you know. Maybe God is working for something even better. Let's see ha?" she hugged me and offered her hand for me to stand up.

"Thank you, Gina. You're like an older sister I've never had."

"But you have me, and I'm always here for you."

That was the last time I saw her, the last time we ever had the chance to talk. She was hit by a truck on the way home. No one thought of Gina dying so suddenly. The first few months were hard for me, she said she would always be there for me. But now, I can feel her warmth, hear her voice. It's like she's inside me. Like the dream I had that day at the amusement park.

"Gina, wherever you are. You will always be loved."

I seldom think
of the world being fair
because everyday in my life
a loved one walk away

Is my life a misery
or a mystery
waiting to be deciphered
answer me

Is love an adventure?
I seem to be lost
scared that I'll end up
hurt again
I ran away
and found
a buried version of myself