Colours [MASHIKYU]

1 - White

Again, it is white.

In the half second every morning between waking up and opening my eyes, I wonder. Will it still be white? I open my eyes, and it is. White.

I can't remember a time when it wasn't white. Sometimes it upsets me, but sometimes I'm just curious. Is it white for everyone? Or does everyone else have more than white? I think I would like to have more than white. And not just the tiny bits of non-white in food or hair or eyes... more. Imagine the entire ceiling being non-white!

Again, it is Diana who pulls me out of my non-white thoughts. She gently knocks on the door, then pulls it open without waiting for a response. Again.

"Morning, Mashiho. Did you sleep well?" she asks in her pristine voice.

I still don't really know the qualifications for sleeping 'well', even though she asks me every morning. Is well going to sleep quickly? Is it not kicking the covers? Is it having good dreams? Is it sleeping through the whole night without waking up? Is it not having nightmares? Surely not all of them at once, that's impossible. I should ask her what she means by it, but I never do. I shrug in response.

"Ready for breakfast?" Diana raises her perfectly carved eyebrows at me.

"Yes," I reply, my voice creaking with sleep.

She smiles her clean, white smile surrounded by her non-white lips, and her non-white ponytail swishes behind her as I follow her to the cafeteria. White walls, white tables, white plates and white bowls.

"Look, all your friends are here already. Are you going to go sit with them?" Diana points in the direction I was already looking, where Asahi, Yoshinori and Haruto sit at our table in the far right corner. I nod. "Okay, I'm going to leave now. I'll be back soon."

She gives me the usual little hug and rubs my back up and down twice before leaving. Not all carers give hugs, but Diana always does.

I walk over to our table where a plate of toast with a packet of strawberry jam on the side, a bowl of cereal without the milk poured yet and a box of apple juice has already been set up for me.

"Mashi!" Yoshinori beams at me. "How are you this morning?"

I find this an even more loaded question than if I slept well. "Fine. How are you?"

"Pretty good. Anyway, back to the pressing issue of this morning, Asahi just got here a bit before you and he wasn't with Susie. Do you have a new carer now?"

Asahi nods.

"What's her name?"

Asahi just stares at him. I don't know why Yoshinori keeps bothering, he must know Asahi will never answer his questions.

"Oh well, worth a try. I had a doctor I haven't met before come do my checkup yesterday. Can't remember his name. So there's probably a few new staff around here. I mean, there's a few people who really should've been fired..." Yoshinori launches into a story about the worst doctor he's had. Yoshinori is good at doing all the talking.

His story gets interrupted when a relatively tall man in the white clothes all the staff wear comes up to our table. "Eat as much of your food as you can, Haruto."

Haruto has gotten told this every meal since he got here, which wasn't that long ago. He reaches his skinny arm forward to grab the packet of jam, when suddenly Yoshinori gasps.

"Haru! Look who just walked in!"

"Shush, stop making it so obvious!" Haruto hisses.

Haruto reflexively fixes his hair and sits up a little straighter as he looks over my head. I don't have to turn around to know who's just walked in. Yoshinori says Haruto's had a 'crush' on Jeongwoo since he first saw him.

I've never spoken to Jeongwoo, but his room is next to mine so I know his face and name. He's been next to me for years, and I haven't ever looked at him the way Haruto does. I find it strange how when Haruto sees Jeongwoo, he sees all these things that I don't.

I focus on Haruto's face as he watches Jeongwoo. His pupils dilate and his lips part slightly. Then he sighs. I can hear emotion in his breath, but I don't quite understand it.

"Yeah, like I'm the one making it obvious," Yoshinori teases. "Man, you're so desp-"

I stop studying Haruto's expression and snap my head around to face Yoshinori when he abruptly stops talking. His eyes glaze over and start to close and his head lulls back a bit. All three of us stretch our arms out in anticipation just in time for Yoshinori to fall forward into them. Two of the staff come running over and check his pulse before gently rousing him. He wakes up but only opens his eyes a little and struggles to keep his head up, so they get him in a wheelchair and take him away from the cafeteria.

This happens a lot, so I'm not worried. But it was enough to turn us off our breakfast. Soon enough Diana is back to take me away too. Back to my white room.

Desperate. Yoshinori was about to say Haruto was desperate.

That I can understand, I know what being desperate feels like.