Colours [MASHIKYU]

10 - Slow Down

I wake up, as usual, surrounded by white. But something feels different. Am I in my room? Yes. Then what is it? I blink my eyes awake and see Diana is sitting on her chair, staring at me. I sit up in surprise, and the room tips a little to the side.

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy." She jumps up from the chair and gently lowers me back down. "Do you remember what happened?"

My head feels too strange to remember anything.

"You were in Yoshinori's room and you both collapsed. Haruto found you both and came to collect Emily and I." Emily is Yoshinori's carer. "You had a sky high fever, which would've explained you fainting, but Yoshinori told us you were hyperventilating. Does any of that sound familiar?"

As she explains, it all comes flooding back. The breathing. Yoshinori falling. Me falling. "Yes, I remember."

"That's really good." Silence. "Mashiho, I've known you for years, and I know something is going on with you. But whatever you're thinking, seeing, doing... you need to slow down, sweetie."

Slow down. That's what I was trying to do with my breath yesterday. Sometimes a person can't just slow down. Besides, what am I supposed to slow down with? Does she mean not see Junkyu so regularly? Or go through the colours more slowly?

"Did I sleep through the night?" I ask.

"Yes, you were out all day and all night," she says.

So Junkyu should be coming today to show me the next colour (what was it? Indi-something...) and I can talk to him about slowing down then. But I don't want to slow down. But Diana says I need to slow down. But I don't want to. I don't. But I also don't want to have the fast breathing again.

I'll just wait for Junkyu. He'll know what to do.

Junkyu does not come. After I eat breakfast (alone in my room, because I slept too late) and Diana takes me to Dr Curwood (who does even more tests than usual) and then leaves me alone, I sit quietly on my bed and wait. And wait. And wait. This is the time Junkyu always comes. But he doesn't. Why isn't he coming? Is he okay? Why didn't I ask him where his room was so I could check on him? Has he been told to slow down too?

The ringing comes back again, deafeningly shrill. When I put my hands up to cover my ears I feel that my cheeks are soaking wet. Have I been crying? I press my palms harder into the sides of my head, silently begging the ringing to leave me alone. I close my eyes, focus on my breathing, try to picture colours to calm down. But I can't see any of them. It's just white. White, white, white, white, white.

"Stop it!" I yell at the walls, unable to hear myself over the ringing. "Stop being white!"

Almost instantly after I yell Diana comes running in. She races over to me and squats down in front of me, just like Yoshinori did yesterday. Her lips move to say words I cannot hear. She carefully wraps her fingers around my wrists and attempts to pry my hands away from my ears. My hands will not move. I shake my head rapidly to tell her no, my hands are not moving, they have decided not to move, you can't move them, and I can't hear you because the ringing, the ringing.

We stay like this, me shaking my head and feeling hot tears continue to stream down my face, and Diana with her hands on my wrists and saying soundless words, for maybe an hour before finally, the ringing begins to fade. It fades until it's completely gone, and her words gain sound.

"It's okay, Mashiho, it's okay, I'm here, you're okay." A repetitive loop.

My arms let her move them down.

Junkyu still hasn't come.

I've had enough of being alone. "Can I go to someone else's room?" my voice wobbles.

"It's lunchtime now," Diana says. "You can go if you feel able. Has the ringing gone away?"

I nod.

"Completely?"

I nod again.

She stands up. "Okay, come on then."

Yoshinori, Haruto and Asahi all have the pain in their eyes. And finally, I realise what that look means. Pity. They feel sorry for me. But... why did they pity me when I was happy?

Someone else is at the table, sitting closer to Haruto than necessary. Jeongwoo.

"Why is Jeongwoo here?" I ask. My voice comes out in a weak snap.

They all exchange a look I can't read. Probably more pity.

"Mashiho, Jeongwoo's been sitting with us for the last three days," Haruto says softly.

"What?" No he hasn't. I've been in the cafeteria for the last three days. Jeongwoo hasn't been sitting with us. Has he? I try to conjure up a memory from the past few days, but every time I imagine the cafeteria I just remember wondering where Junkyu is and trying to find colours in the food.

"I guess you just didn't notice," Yoshinori says quickly. "Anyway, come and sit down. How are you feeling?"

I plop myself into my chair and shrug in response. That's when I notice something else weird. Asahi. He's not exactly smiling, but his facial expression isn't the same one he always has. It's... lighter, somehow. Not exactly happier, but... freer? I don't know. Something's just different.

Sometimes I like when things are different. Junkyu arriving was different, the colours are different to the white. But most different things I don't like. Like Junkyu not coming today. Like the pitiful looks everyone gives me. I've had enough change for one day, so seeing Jeongwoo sitting at our table and Asahi looking all funny is not pleasant.

"Don't you ever get mad?" I ask no one in particular.

"At what?" Yoshinori asks.

"The white. Everything is white here. I hate it."

Silence.

More silence.

"It doesn't have to be," Haruto says.

"How? How doesn't it have to be? The only way I can see anything that isn't white is with Junkyu, and where is he? I don't know! Will he come back? I don't know! So here I am, again, stuck with all this stupid white!" I scream.

The pity in their eyes turns to worry, fear. But before they can even attempt to calm me down the cafeteria staff come. I sob uncontrollably as they haul me out of the white cafeteria.