Colours [MASHIKYU]

19 - Undays

The days without Junkyu, without leaving my room, without speaking, without smiling, and with everyone talking to me in infuriatingly soft voices barely even classify as days. They're undays.

For years, I have longed to not be surrounded by white. And now here I am, with the opposite. Everything is black. Not even grey, the uncertain middle ground. Just cold, hard, straight up, miserable black. Which is exactly how I feel.

There's a small part of me that's still expecting Junkyu to come, to tell me he actually has one more colour to show me, and that I was so, so silly for thinking he wasn't real, and maybe even break me out again, but he doesn't.

"Stop it," I growl to my brain. "Enough now."

I can't stop thinking about him. But he's not real, he's not. But he could be. No, he isn't! I'm so messed up. Even more than I thought I was. I'm sick.

But Junkyu told me I was nothing short of perfect.

"But Junkyu doesn't exist!" I yell to no one. "I fucking made him up because as if I could ever have someone love me!"

Black.

Several undays later, Jeongwoo enters my room.

"Hi Mashiho," he says.

I don't answer. I roll over in my bed so I'm facing the wall, away from him. Away from everyone. I don't need any more of their dumb pity.

"I know you're really sad right now, I know most of the story. I know you love Junkyu."

I still don't respond, but he's not talking to me in the stupid soft, gentle, condescending voice that everyone else talks to me in. And he said that like Junkyu's actually a person and not just some hallucination.

"I love Haruto, and now he's gone to live his life while I'm still stuck here and I don't know if I'll ever see him again. So trust me, I know what being heartbroken feels like. I also know what being messed in the head feels like. My brain isn't right either."

Almost reflexively, I sit up and open my arms. He sits on my bed in front of me and we sink into each other, the tightness of our embrace carrying the weight of our broken hearts and messed up heads.