Colours [MASHIKYU]

18 - Black

"I don't believe you," is the first thing I say when I wake up. Both Diana and Yoshinori are in my room, again. "Junkyu is real."

They don't respond. Those stupid. Pity. Looks. It's infuriating.

"He is, I swear. He laughs all the time. He knows every colour in the world. He likes cute names. He looks like a koala when he smiles. He's a really good singer. He told me he will never, ever leave me. He's strong enough to lift me up and spin me around. He sucks at ice skating. His eyes twinkle when he's excited. He..." I trail off because they're still just staring at me. "He is! He's real! We went to the colours together. I'll show you."

There are less tubes in my body now, and the ones that are I'm able to rip out, ignoring Diana's worried noises. I stand up unsteadily and run, wobbling, but with purpose, to the Tiny Room. Yoshinori and Diana both scramble behind me. I'm going to show them what Junkyu showed me. Then they'll know he's real. I won't let them brainwash me into thinking I made up the only truly wonderful thing in this world.

But when I open the grey door, it's not the Tiny Room. The room is still tiny, and the light switch is in the same place, but the seven coloured doors aren't there. It's shelves with buckets, mops and all sorts of cleaning supplies.

"This is the maintenance room, Mashiho," Diana says quietly.

I blink hard, and when I open my eyes it still isn't the Tiny Room. But... it was there just a couple of days ago. I put my hand against a cold, grey wall, scratching at it, trying to find a door beneath it. When it doesn't work, I turn to Yoshinori and grip onto his shoulders desperately.

"You saw inside, on the day when I went to blue, you saw all the different coloured doors, right?"

Yoshinori hesitates for a painfully long amount of time.

"Right?" I say again. "And, and you saw that my hair was wet from the ocean."

"I saw this room, with a fallen bucket of water," he says just loud enough for me to hear.

I'm breathing fast again, but they're not even bothering to tell me to slow down. "Bullshit! That's absolute bullshit!"

Maybe I've come to the wrong room. I do feel kind of disorientated. What's something else I can show them?

The rose! I put it in my drawer after red.

I take off in the direction of my room, and once again they both follow. I might have gone to the wrong tiny room, but this room is definitely mine. They catch up just as I'm pulling open my drawer to see the rose is no longer in there.

I turn around and bore my eyes into Diana's, which are watery. "Did you take my rose out of there?"

She takes a deep breath. "What rose, Mashiho?"

"My rose! The one I got from red! Junkyu put it behind my ear!" I hear my voice rising and a lump starts to form in my throat. This can't be happening. He's real. He's real. He has to be.

He lives here, doesn't he? I never asked him where his room was. I have to find it.

I hurl myself out of my room again, and sprint along the white corridors, throwing myself against door after door.

"JUNKYU!" I scream at the top of my lungs and throw myself against the white doors with all the strength I can muster, trying to feel a physical pain that will match the ripping, gnawing sensation in my chest. Hot tears squeeze out of my eyes. "JUNKYU!"

Yoshinori reaches me, grabs my body and shoves me to the floor.

He keeps his hands on my shoulders, but softens them. "Mashi, stop."

Sobs wrack my body and I shake uncontrollably as Diana appears too. I only screamed twice but my throat is on fire and I can barely speak.

He isn't real. Of course he isn't real. No one here wears coloured clothes. No one is happy. I can't be happy. It was fake. It was all just fake. My stupid, stupid, delusional, messed up brain made it up. I hate my brain. I hate myself. I hate this life.

Diana takes one of my hands in her own as I continue to cry. Yoshinori starts crying too.

"Mashiho, I know that you know deep down that we're telling you the truth."

I nod.

"I need you to say it, darling. Say that Junkyu isn't real."

My throat has closed up. My cries are horrible choking sounds. I can't say it. I tug my hand out of hers and make a cross with both hands.

Yoshinori moves away from me, taking his hands off my shoulders, so that Diana has room to pull my hands down.

"You need to say it."

No. I don't want to. She always lets me stop talking when I make the cross. Why won't she let me now?

I sob even harder as I put the cross back up again. She lowers it down with more force than last time.

"No!" I try to shout but it comes out in a pathetic croak as I hold the cross up again.

This time she doesn't lower it, just holds onto it. She holds onto it for a long, long time.

"Mashiho," she whispers, "enough now."

I let out a shuddering breath. "Junkyu isn't real."

The white goes to black.