Drifter | (Harry Styles AU) • COMPLETE

Chapter 65

Anissa's POV

26 JUNE 11

I want to say I haven't had time to write but I know that isn't true, why lie? You see me Gem, you see what I've been doing, what I've gotten myself into. I hope you understand. I don't expect you to be okay with it, I just want you to understand. I'm hurt. I don't know what else to do.

Your mom, she's married now.

But not to me.

I love her so much. So fucking much. Why couldn't she love me to? When we first met it was only suppose to be a friends with benefits type thing but I feel in love with the way she made me feel important, the way she said my name in her sleep at three am. But she didn't fall in love back, well with me at least. I didn't think she'd get tired of waiting for me to take things to the next level, but she did. She fell in love with him because he gave her everything I couldn't. He knew I loved her but he still gave her his shoulder to cry on.

Why?

Wasn't he suppose to be on my side?

I just wasn't thinking hard enough. I could give her everything he is, I'm just as good as him. I love her more then he does. I loved you both enough to let him step in and take responsibility. He said I would never amount to anything. He wants me out of his life forever and I swear that's what he'll get.

Is this making sense? It doesn't make much sense to me anymore. I'm so high right now. I'm sorry I'm high. I'm sorry I like it. This is all I do. My dad's in Africa or some shitty place and I'm here at home high. I've got shit laid out in every room that way I can get high without stressing myself. I just want to be happy and being high helps.

I don't make sense right now,

I'm just going to sleep.

That sentence took me ten minutes to write. Bye.

"You're bringing that?" Emily asks in a concerned way, eyeing Harry's journal in my hands from across the room.

"Of course," I sigh, folding the page I left off on, sitting up in bed.

"I don't think it's a good idea," She says, leaning against the door frame.

"Well I don't care."

"You read it everyday, and it only makes you sadder," Emily says softly.

"It doesn't. It makes me feel better," I snap,"I'm bringing it."

"Okay, bring it, whatever," Emily shrugs,"I just came to check if you were ready to go, Leo's got all your things loaded up in the car."

"Just give me a minute," I tell her gripping the journal as I lay back down next to Harry's pillow, shutting my eyes.

"Don't do this to yourself," Emily says knowing fully well what I'm doing,"Not right now."

"Can you please just give me a minute alone? That's all I'm asking for," I say fighting back the tears. It seems all I do these days is cry, and for any little thing.

I listen to the sound of Emily's footsteps going down the stairs and I pretend for a second that they're Harry's.

Pretending is something I've also started to do a lot of. I pretend that he is the one telling me these secrets I read everyday. I pretend he's just gotten up out of bed to grab us breakfast, and that he'll be back soon. It helps get me through each day, some more then others.

It's been nearly two weeks since he left. I called and texted all night hoping something, anything would convince him to come home. But it didn't. He read every single message and still never came home.