Abuse, Rejection And Love

chapter 42

Zeus's p.o.v

The words that came out of her mouth shocked me to the point of every muscle on my body freezing completely.

"It's not that you don't make me happy, i just hate living in fear. I hate that I spend every second waiting for you to realise that am not a submission wolf and i wont bow down to you......am afraid that you'll no longer want me and go back to harboring hatred towards me. Am afraid that i will give myself to you just for you to use me, get tired of me and push me aside which would mean I'll have to kill your ass.....honestly am afraid that you are treating me with love and care only because you still feel guilty and not because you want to. All in all am afraid I'll have to break the promise i made to be your luna and protect you and the pack if you dare try to play me. ......not because I dont trust you but because you honestly haven't given me a reason to"

I never realised she felt that way..... i placed the plates down and approached her.......i didn't know what to say to her so i decided to give her the same honesty she is giving me as I placed my hands on hers and said

" I LOVE YOU .....  that's the reason why I treat you with love and care. ..... i am unmistakanly,  utterly and completely IN LOVE WITH YOU. ...... i know that you will not be comfortable with me saying it all the time because of our past or maybe because you don't believe me which is why I chose to show instead of telling you....... i know you are not submissive and i admire that about you. I wont use or play you not because I know that you literally will kill me and i honestly would let you. .......if i were to break your heart. I love you too much to try anything that would risk me loosing you. I want you to feel free to tell me anything that might be bothering you and i promise I'll listen and try to help you as best as i can. Please allow me the opportunity to earn your trust. ....dont denie me the opportunity to make you happy, to love and care for you but most importantly........dont denie yourself the opportunity to be showered with affection because you deserve every bit of it"

It was at that moment that I realised how truly painful loving someone could be...... it was at that moment that I felt all her pain and frustration through our bond.......her frustration hit me like a ton of bricks as i watched tears roll down her eyes and i was responsible for making her cry yet again. ........

I dont know whether to wipe her tears or give her space since I clearly am the reason she's crying. ...... she opens and closes her mouth trying to say something but every time she tries nothing leaves her lips....the more she tries the more frustrated she gets.

I hang my head down in shame because of the predicament I've placed her in.........in the speed of lightning the words left her mouth in a quick but gently voice....... her words enter and exit my ears in the speed of light in a vacuum. ......

Did you hear her right or are you hallucinating?  My whole body goes into shock as my head moves to look at her and she's looking at her lap while fidgeting and I just need to get the clarification of whether she really said it or if am losing my mind.

My hand gently lifted her chin up and i looked at her.... desperately
Trying to find a sign that she really said it but alas......they was none. She just looked at me as if she was looking into my soul. Not knowing how to go about asking her to repeat herself i decided to just let her be....i probably imagined the whole thing anyway.

That moment that you are spaced out and over thinking things and then......you feel your beloved's soft lips moving on your own.....you holding her and kissing her back but you still basking in the euphoria of having her close.

She let go of me but my hands held her in place as i held for dear life....afraid to let her go...afraid that this is all a dream and some poor unfortunate soul would have to face my Routh if they so dare to wake me up from the beautiful dream of having my Queen in my arms as we both are recovering from a kiss that she herself initiated.

Did that just happen? .... i swallowed my pride and asked "can you repeat what you said? " she leaned in and gave me a gentle but affectionate  kiss before softly whispering in my ear leaving me stunned beyond measure.

"I've given you a second chance and so far i dont regret it...... i easily get angry or try to run away from you ...not becouse i want to but because am angry with myself...the shame is eating away at my soul but I still cant bring myself to feel guilty..... you've caused me soo much pain and you've abused me to unimaginable extents but i still cant control it......i hate you.....i hate that after all you've put me through am still unable to hate you, i hate that you have placed me in a predicament where i know that i should at least feel some resentment towards you instead i am stuck in a swirl of  unfathomable love and i dont know how to handle loving you....i dont know how to deal with the immense love i feel for you. I dont want to Baskin the love i feel for you because i dont want to rist you going back to your old self . I forgive but i never forget and that's how I want to keep it.

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