In All Honesty

Ch.3 - Taboo

February was a month of love and passion. We had both taken that next step forwards in our relationship. I still wanted our family to know about us but she didn't. Early February was the same as any other day we would eat together, sleep together and be together. She was my first love so I wanted to give her all my firsts even if I wasn't her first. I loved her immensely and wanted to be with her forever or at least as long as I could. It was Valentine's Day that we ended up doing something we hadn't done before. She asked me what was my favorite color and I told her I didn't just have one. She said I had to pick though so I asked her why. She said it was to change her nails to my favorite color. So I chose out of the multiple colors she had given me to choose from. I chose hazel green as it looked pretty and thought it would go well with her pale skin tone. She grabbed the nail polish and started coating her nails in hazel green. All the while smiling. The rest of the day we just talked and did things normal couples do. Watched tv, eat, and have sex. That was our Valentine's Day and how it went. Their wasn't this big event or anything you see in the movies just a normal day. February for the most part was just that; an ordinary month. During the month of March we started going on dates. Either to the movies, shopping or to the park for a picnic. About halfway through March we we're invited to a party along with my family. She didn't want to go but I advised her to do so as it could be fun. I mostly just wanted to tell my parents about her and I. We ate together with my family and made small chit chat. After that we both went around the park we we're attending for the party. We went on this sort of small hiking trail just the two of us. We talked on and on about things on our minds. I told her I loved her and she did the same. I told her I wanted to tell my parents about us. But she still didn't feel it was time. We had already eaten with my family a little while ago. But she felt it would have been rude to announce to everyone that we we're dating. I told her it's fine just as long as we tell them eventually. She said yes. During our hiking trail I was going in for a kiss but another couple appeared out of nowhere. It ended up giving me cold feet. I was embarrassed that I did that but even more so that it didn't pay off. After the hiking trail ended I asked her a question. I asked her in all seriousness when can I tell my parents about us. After I had asked the question she went quite for some time. I finally got my answer she told me never. I sat down on a log in disbelief at what had happened. She told me it's alright we can still be together we just can't tell our parents about us. I told her what about marriage what if I intend to marry you. She told me we couldn't but that we could be together as that of a married couple. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She wanted us to stay as a pretend couple an imaginary husband and wife. I had enough and told her right there that we're through. That day in March I broke up with my first love under an oak tree. For the rest of the day we didn't speak. It was awkward when we got back home their was nothing but silence. Not talking to one another became the norm after that. Then on the last week of March she told me she was moving back to her mothers house. I wanted to tell her to stay here with me and that I still loved her. But the day of her moving came and I had no words left to say. She told me goodbye and I was left their in tears. That was the start of My April. Throughout April all I did was stay in my room and think back at all that had happened. It broke my heart that she left and most importantly that I couldn't do anything to stop it. I felt like a loser a loser that could do nothing in this world. I wallowed in my own self-pity. Even now I still hate myself for not being able to do anything back then. I said I had loved her so much but still didn't do a thing when she left. After the months and months of self-pity I finally went back to my senses. It was around October that I was finally able to manage my sorrows and depression at what had happened. It still hurt me a bit but I could manage to smile and laugh just a bit more normal like I used to. It was a real rough patch after the break up but I did eventually get over it. It was the year of 2017 that I had officially gotten over her. I went to college and started my career in writing. I had finally become happy again. But after countless and countless tries of failing to land a girlfriend I had stopped. I had stopped caring about getting a girlfriend and focused solely on my objective of becoming a writer. I'm writing about this because it's important to me. The person I have become is thanks to her. Even if I had drowned in these black pools of depression I still had no anger towards her. All of these things made me who I am today. I'm able to write this all down thanks to her and her push. I still love her and hopefully she knows that too. After no contact with her for about four years it surprised me when she had come back. She came back to talk to my mother and I wasn't told why. After that my mother went to the store to go do something. I was left alone with her once again after four years apart. My heart was beating rapidly but I knew I had to say something. I had to tell her how I felt after all these years apart. We we're outside when I gained the courage to do so. I had to tell her everything that I had felt for these past four years. Present Day March 2019: "I have something serious to tell you so please hear me out!!" I say nervously with a loud voice.
"What is it?"she says.
"Will you please go out with me!!!" I say in a strong voice as I bow my head towards her and close my eyes waiting to hear the worst.
"Lift your head up." She says.
I do as she says and what awaits in front of me is a smile with tears running down her cheeks.
"Why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?" I ask questioning.
"No, you did nothing wrong. You never did." She says with a smile as she rubs the tears away.
"I mean what I said." I told her.
"I know." She responds.
"I love you and I have loved you all these years. For the past four years I've tried and tried to get over you. But I just can't; you we're my first love. I gave you all my firsts along with all my love!! Yet you still left me without even saying anything about it to me!! I say in a chocked up voice.
"I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I've caused you and I'm sorry for everything I'll cause today." She Says while crying and clenching her chest.
"Why did you come back? Just to hurt me again?" I ask her while crying as well.
"No; I came to tell your mother about us. I thought about it for years. On how to move on from everything that's happened to us. I've thought about how I've hurt you all these years. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry you fell in love with me. I'm sorry you fell in love with your cousin. I'm sorry that your still hurting after all these years. I'm sorry for this. I love you with all my heart but we can't be together." She says in a chocked up manner while crying. Then leaves. 
I get to my knees and scream while crying. All the emotions I've felt after these past four years come flooding back to me. I love her so much that it hurts me so much. After crying for the next five minutes I stand up and stare at the clouds.

"Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest, and feels the strongest." -William Shakespeare.

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