The words I never say.

My name

The name I was born with doesn't matter.
The name they call me doesn't make sense.
I hear them talk to me, but I feel like it's all a big pretend.
Life made me grow numb.
I no longer believe in the feeling of love.
Everyone tells me to try and believe,
But feeling things is no relief.
Why should I ever want to feel,
When the feeling of drowning becomes so much more real?

I'd rather stay in the dark, playing music too loud,
Smoking my dreams away and watching it all vanish in a cloud.
And what will I say when they ask me to speak loud?
That my vocal cords are too tight, and only a tiny sound will come out?
That they are asking too much, from someone who is nothing?
But they will hardly understand how it's like not to feel something.

All of this is no pretend,
I'm sort of begging for this to end.
I didn't ask to be born into this place,
I never asked to be looked at with disgrace.
But life will go on, is the bitter truth,
Whether or not I stay strong, the tears will come through.

At night when I'm trying to sleep,
The insomnia will come and hug me till I can't breathe.
So when you see me in a coffin,
All I'm asking for is for you to stop the mumbling.
I have heard all the things people can say,
And I know now, that humankind will never have anything to offer me.

Stop pretending that you are my friend,
Your petty isn't for mine, but yours to gain.
Stop begging my name when you feel lonely.
You had your chances to show me.
So no, I will never feel a thing,
Because feeling comes with a lot of sad endings.

I'd rather stay alone and write you a letter,
Than see your charming smile, when I won't ever be good enough for you.