To the Point of Shatter

8. Aiden

        The only information I can get on Abby is that she's seen the doctor, is sleeping and eating. I suppose that will have to do. She is where she needs to be right now. I can certainly handle Ava, especially now that I am free to come and go without the worry of leaving Abby home alone. But I still feel like I've abandoned her. I wish I could talk to her just so I can tell her I'm here, waiting. That I love and need her, that Ava loves and needs her.

        I have been told in no uncertain terms that it is her turn to focus on herself and do what she needs to do to get home to us. That it is up to me to keep things easy for her. I can do that, if I could talk to her. But I have been dismissed, though not with meanness.

        It is Saturday. Abby has been inpatient for three days. I have been told that by Monday she will be able to call home. That is she doesn't, not to take it personally. I miss her voice, her face, her laughter. And it occurs to me that I have been missing these things for a very long time.

        Ava seems to be taking everything in stride. But to be fair, not much has really changed for her. She has hardly seen Abby in the last month. This, having her out of the house, is only a blip on her radar. She has me. And Chloe.

        Chloe.

        Since Abby's suicide attempt...or rather, the prelude to her suicide attempt...she has respected my wishes and backed off. She didn't come to take Ava to school after Abby was gone but she did come to take her once to the beach and once to the park. The sexual tension between us is thick. We are both resisting it and it is not easy. If I say being with Chloe has nothing to do with how much I love Abby, would it even make sense? Would I sound like a hypocrite? Because I swear it's true. It would die for Abby. I love her, she is my family. The one I chose to spend my life with, the one I still want to have by my side when I grow old.

        But I desire Chloe. I do. One is not exclusive of the other. I am hateful for this, I know. But there it is. Being with Chloe would break Abby's already fragile heart. It would probably ruin our until now enviable marriage if she found out. I know I should no longer risk this. But it is a daily struggle that I am not proud of. I wake up thinking of Abby and go to bed at night thinking of Chloe. My life no longer makes any sense.

        I am sitting on the patio drinking coffee, reading the paltry Saturday paper. It is nearly November. Still in the 80s during the day but there is an ever so slight shift in the temperatures at night. Fall comes very late here and when it does, it flips quickly to winter. Which just means we can actually wear long sleeves for about six weeks. Still, the change is welcome.

        "Ava slept in today?" Chloe's voice asks behind me. My heart skips a beat. She has had a key for awhile, ever since she'd become such a help to us. I try to relax. We are just friends now.

        "Yep. Not for much longer though. It's late even for her." I flip to the sports section. Chloe has helped herself to coffee in Abby's mug and my instinct is to tell her to change it for another one. Instead, I read the sports page. She sits in Abby's chair, stretches her legs out and rests her feet on an empty seat.

        Well, I'm feeling awkward. I read. She gazes out across the pool, tilts her head back to catch the sun on her face. She has a slim, long neck. Dark green eyes with gold rims.

        She is nearly the complete opposite of Abby, who is over 5'7", has wild golden curls, the bluest eyes I've ever seen next to my own. Abby has perfect breasts, a little of a tan all year long, endless legs and womanly hips. Of course, when she went away her color was gone and she'd lost so much weight. But this is not the image I hold in my head. The image I hold is the one of her chasing our daughter on the beach, head tossed back in laughter. The image that stays with me is of her, hair tousled, laying with her head on my chest after making love, the warmth of her an anointing of my soul.